To The Stallion, The Locked God, The Young Leech, Mr. Aquarius and the rest of y’all,
I am currently pissed off at The Stallion but he is a variable. He is all of y’all who have wooed me with your words, enticed me even more with your sensual kisses and laid down some serious pipe and drank my juices all the way up. Oh yes, you turned on my mind and you turned on my body but you awoken my heart in ways I didn’t think were possible at different stages of my life. Somehow y’all find me when I’m good, stable and keeping the darkness at bay and I’m figuring it out. Then you waltz into my life via casual circumstances that fools would mistaken for coincidence. However, if living my life had taught me anything it would be that y’all are all lessons that I need to learn and because my ass is stubborn I keep making the same mistakes because I view our chemistry as magic and shit and abandon all reasoning and think that perhaps the feeling I’m feeling is rational. Like how does someone who is typically analytical and rational get so caught up in the shit y’all be selling???
What I’ll say is, in my and y’all defense is that there is always magic there. I recall my 8 hour date with The Locked God and the deep passionate kiss that took my breath away afterwards. I think of the off guard but welcomed kiss that The Stallion planted on me that took me to higher heights. I am reflecting on the day I went on two dates with Mr. Aquarius that had me dreaming of his lips. And The Young Leech, well fuck the connection was just too real. How could something so magic feel so damn good and I assume it felt good for y’all too but then y’all just ghosted??? Like who the fuck does that????
I can talk about my latest reason to rage, The Stallion…you should have never come into my life. Were you horny? Like did you just wanna fuck me? Did you just wanna feel good? Be hugged? Be touched? Be caressed? Did you wanna feel warmth? Did you want to see if your heart felt something? Did you wanna feel chemistry? And take my words and store it in your heart? Is that what you wanted? My energy? My goodness? My kindness? Did you just want to take? And then you got your fill and you left. That’s what you wanted to do? That’s what was in your spirit? Then for that you should not have kissed me so sweetly. You shouldn’t have been so tender. You shouldn’t have been so kind. You shouldn’t have acted like you were in to me. You should have just said you wanted a good time. I would have understood. I would have at least had a choice. Now I don’t want to see your face because you’ve done what so many others have, you awoken something in me that I do a bad job at hiding. You shook up something in me then you knocked it out of my hand and shattered it everywhere. I reciprocated what you were putting out. You should have just said you had fun and you were done. I could do that. But now the ship sailed and I hate pickup trucks. I hate Denalis. I hate that I keep thinking you’ll show up and surprise me. But that never happens to me does it? Those things don’t happen. I’m not thought of in gentle ways in the way other girls are thought of. I feel disposable. Like I’m nothing. Like you took my goodness, my essence, my kindness and you took it for granted. You robbed me of reciprocity, honesty, fairness and the general decency of telling the truth. It’s not like it’s not hard enough making it through days when I’m not sure how they will go. It’s not like it’s not enough that I have to dig deep, really really really really fucking deep to remind myself that I’m worthy, I’m deserving and I can generate all the good things that I need. I work hard on that. And when I think oh shit maybe just maybe someone gets me…I get happy. I feel like oh wow maybe I found someone who sees ME and gets ME and wants me. But nah…that’s never it. My light is bright and it’s given freely…you took it and then you closed your light off. All I was doing was trying to learn you, overstand you, support you and cheer you on. That was it. But you closed the door in my face without warning and that hurt. It hurts. No matter what I tell myself the reason is or isn’t the fact remains is that my feelings are hurt. I’m saddened. I’m disappointed. I feel stupid. I feel played and I feel very small.
But I forgive you. I forgive all y’all but maybe you don’t know how to BE. Maybe you don’t know how to communicate your truth. Maybe you think of me when you think of the women you did wrong and you toss and turn at night. Or maybe you feel nothing. I say all this to say I’ll be aight but fuck you.