If I Were There…

Aight so it’s 5:31 PM EST and I just got back from drinking a couple drinks at my favorite place. I needed to, and it’s not because I need to but because I wanted to. The deeper reason is that about 3-4 weeks ago I had a really beautiful encounter that surprised me and I was just hoping that I could run into the same person again. Ugh..it ain’t happen but it needs to because I have a lot to fucking say.

This post is for anyone and everyone who has an entire narrative and script for what they wanna say but won’t say because the person is unavailable or they are too scared. This is for those of us who recite the shit in our brains and in front of our mirrors (like Issa) but don’t get the opportunity or courage to do so. So what the fuck will I say? I’d start with, “You good?” Said in the way that black girls say “you good” when we genuinely wanna know if you’re doing okay and it also holds the double meaning of if you are fucking good then WHY DA FUCCCCCK YOU HAVEN’T called, you ain’t shit piece of shit????? Like I figured you was good but ya know I had the thought to call hospitals and shit because maybe you fucking died or got injured and that alone is an acceptable reason about why you didn’t fucking call me…cuz I just knoooooooooow you are not that fucking stupid…I just know. Woooooooosah! It probably will definitely start in that way. However, if we talking about the courageous version of me, I’d be like ummmmm sooooo uhhhhh but really, what the fuck happened to you? I would give no room to pleasantries and niceness because when you were deep inside of me and giving me orgasms that my ancestors felt, we didn’t fake those emotions. We didn’t fake the sweet mother fucking kisses…we didn’t fake the nice ass hand holding…so let’s cut the bullshit and talk about why you’ve been a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve any of my time, but I’ll give you my time because I will not ever be like you.

I’d look him straight in the eye and I’ll say my piece but I’ll watch his movements intently. I won’t be watching because of scrutiny but for analysis, watching the way that he moves his body…but even though I’m watching I’ll have to ask questions. So, how are you? How have you been? How’s business? How are things? Are you feeling okay? Ya know, the courteous shit and while that matters, I really want to know….WHY HAVE YOU NOT BEEN AROUND??????? Why haven’t you given the thought to me and thought, that you should reach out because I, as a human being should do kind things and be decent and reach out to see if she is good? There is no amount of work, busyness nor other activities in this world that can replace goodness, integrity, kindness and positive interactions. You do not connect with someone on an elevated level and then just disappear. It is unacceptable and absolutely a dick head move.

Yet…the best parts of me refuses to ever in life categorize you as such because you are better than that. I’ve seen and watched who you are and as a person you are beautiful. You are so much better than you may know or what you give yourself credit for. I am not sure if you’re accountable in ways for your microagressions. I think that people like you who have a lot of responsibility and a lot of power aren’t always accountable for their actions. I think because you carry a heavy burden sometimes you let yourself off the hook when it comes to emotional responsibilities and that shit is wack as fuck. In your world your business defines you. In my world, my humanity defines me. My business is great because of who I am. I think you’re probably great because of what you possess AND that is where we differ. You are defined by what you can attain and I am defined by how much I can give to the world. I don’t say this to shame you, but I say this to say that I SEE you and I get it but I do not accept your way of being.

I will say that the way you’ve been is cowardly and absolutely unsurprising. I will say that while I think the world of you, I do not think you are ready for me. While I think you are delicious and you surprised the shit out of me, I am unimpressed by your follow up and your business will thrive but without me it will never see the heights that it could achieve. THAT is neither here nor there because we cannot miss what we don’t know that we don’t know. I will continuously cheer you on and wish you well because that is who I am as an individual. I will be supportive from a distance and always send you good vibes and positive messages because that is truly what you deserve. I will always say prayers to all the gods and goddesses for you because you deserve the blessings. I will always welcome you with open arms because my light and energy is pure regardless of circumstances. We shared a moment of beauty and I will cherish those times. All is well between us because peace is what I bring.

Our paths will cross again, and I will honor you and you will honor me. Thank you for being a lesson and blessing whether you realize it or not.