The ego/lower self will have me doing some straight up buckwild shit. Imagine this, it’s a decade or so ago, I am in MY apartment, I am beefing with my boyfriend and I hadn’t ever thought about going through anyone’s phone but the inkling was there. Mind you ten years ago the first Iphone may have just come out, but for the most part we all had flip phones and wack ass ringtones. There was no fingerprint code and I don’t think there was a passcode, so what I am basically saying is that he obviously wanted me to go through his shit because it was open for the taking. I just so happen to wait until he was in the shower to go through his shit. I was pacing back and forth like an anxious tiger waiting to pounce on her prey. I was sweaty and jittery like a father waiting to learn his fate on Maury. There was also a part of me that was prepared to SET IT THE FUCK OFF because I know this asshole was not going to be in MYYYYYYYY house and talking to someone else, I just knew he was not that dumb. Aight so finally I get the courage to open the phone and begin my CIA search. I am telling y’all right now, no matter how rational, calm, laid back, or level headed you may think you are…that shit goes all the way out the window when your instincts are proven right. I am also someone who needs to see all of it so when I confront you, I can present you with times, dates and all the lies that you told at these times and dates. Needless to say, I found everything I was looking for and then some. I saw pictures, racy texts, elaborate plans and just some real basic, ain’t shit nigga behavior that made my blood boil.
I sat on my bed. I looked in the mirror. I cried. I put on mascara. I talked myself out of murdering this nigga. I paced and then I took his phone, I stormed in the bathroom and threw that shit in the shower directly at his face. I literally was having and out of body, come to Jesus experience. When I tell y’all I went the fuck off….omg I went the fuck off. I said many things about him, his momma, his side chick, I told him I wished his daughter brought home an ain’t shit nigga just like him and I then proceeded to throw all his shit in the hallway. He was stunned and he looked a little terrified because I am not a yeller, I am not a fighter, and I generally remained calm in every situation. Well that day, I was the most rational, irrational, gangsta fucking bitch on earth. At one point I recalled myself boiling water on the stove. I do not recall doing that but once I transported back into my body, I was like oh shit…this motherfucker is not worth no jail time. I got myself together, and I told him by the time I returned home, he had better be gone. I got back home, and he was gone. He left. Then I called him over that same night, we chatted, we had sex *eyeroll* and I threw him out. We broke up, we still spoke but it was just never the same after that. I moved out of that apartment, to a completely separate state and tried to forget him.
It took me a full year and change to get over him because that is how life is. The relationship with him was also my very first adult relationship and I learned a lot about myself through dating him. I learned that I was fearful of leaving because I was not sure anyone else would want me the way he wanted me. I loved him far deeper than he loved me and I was going to do whatever it took to have him stay. I played myself, I was beside myself and I lost myself trying to please and appease him. That feeling of going through his phone was one of the wackest, heartbreaking, mentally fucked up and physically repulsive moments that I have experienced. That was not the last time I went through someone’s phone and the feelings of mental disaster never left me, and it was never an experience that was worth anything. What I will say though is that I have tortured myself enough, my instincts are enough, and if someone I am with is unable to have a clear conversation and expectations then we do not need to be interacting on any level. I need peace of mind, I need peace in my home, I need peace in my spirit and that will never happen if I need to go through someone’s phone. It solves nothing for me, no trust can be cultivated after that and I know for me, the forgiveness part is a bit harder for me. I do not want to deal with that.
We will call that dude The Broken Poet , he and I have eventually spoken and we are cordial now. His karma came back at him in ways that made me chuckle but still feel sympathy for him. I never actually wanted to see him as broken as he had gotten but he earned that shit and well, we all have to pay for our consequences in one way or another. I think the experience made us both more aware human beings and like everything, I needed to have that experience. I am a better woman, person and partner for going through mad phones. I needed to go through that shit in order to know that wack ass feeling. I needed to go through that pain, that rock bottom, that heartbreak in order to be better and wiser. I pray that Give Thanks doesn’t ever have the urge to go through her partner’s phone. I hope that she is wiser and better and more self aware that I ever was. However, what I know is that we have to come into our own instincts and learn to navigate our sadness, our insecurities and breakdowns on our own. I can offer her an ear, a shoulder and stories about my own lessons. Also, depending on how much alcohol is in me when she is relaying a story, I cannot say I won’t fight whomever is fucking with her. WHATTTTTTT????? If you’ve never thought about fucking up a kid for fucking with your kid then I can’t fuck with you. Ha…ha…nah I am dead serious though. Anyway, going through anyone’s phone is mad wack, but you gotta go through mad phones before you learn that lesson yourself. In the mean time listen to what Cardi B had to say about it; THRU YOUR PHONE