I was kicking it with my good friend this weekend and we always have a really good time together. Our kids play together, he’s laid back, not a yeller, he’s pretty even toned and he is absolutely fun to hang out with. I enjoy him and our kids enjoy each other, the whole experience is wonderful. The funny, yet unsurprising thing about when we are together is the fact that everyone thinks we are a married couple. It jives, we look good together and our little ones look that they could easily be a product of us. I told him that we could use that presentation in our favor. Family of four that are polite, well spoken and we seem to be admired by many. It’s weird but it’s cool because I love his company.
In an ideal world, that combination of checked boxes would make him a perfect match for me. He’s handsome, a good dad, kind, considerate, my daughter likes him and we get along generally well. However there is something that happens when great friends become good lovers at first, then next thing you know someone’s car windows are busted out and there’s a silent treatment that makes you doubt your existence. Ahhhhh!!!!!! I’ve seen it happen too many times and it is devastating to lose someone who you loved so dearly to the trials of life. I know that I am a much better homegirl than I am a girlfriend. When I talk to my male friends, I am myself at my best. I interact with them the same way I do with my female friends and the vibe is usually fantastic. I give advice, I listen to crazy stories and I make room for them to come as they are without any judgement. As a girlfriend, with my own boyfriend in the past, I’ve never been that open, easy going or as fun. It’s like there’s a switch that goes off in my brain that has me adjust my expectations and I can’t say I love being anyone’s girlfriend. It just doesn’t work for me, and it especially is unworkable when I can’t say what I please nor can I take any kind of off behavior from the man I’m with. Ahhhhh it’s confusing and weird for me.
Let’s see why;
- My last couple of relationships were exercises in learning a lesson I’ve been too stubborn to learn.
- The relationships started messy and never got better at any point.
- I wasn’t my best self.
- I withheld my full emotions and all of my truth to be peaceful and not rock the boat.
- I felt confined.
Those things were a recipe for disaster. I wasn’t doing myself any favors by not being honest about my needs. It was a lonely situation and it made me reassess the way I think about healthy relationships. The entire time I’m thinking about how much I don’t like being coupled, it’s my male friends who I turn to for guidance. I breakdown the scenario and being brilliant and emotionally intelligent men, they give it to me straight but very compassionately. I am thankful that I have that outlet and a good group of guy friends who I love and wouldn’t trade in for any mediocre ass boyfriend.
Would I cut off my male friends to save a relationship? Uhhh no! My male friends and I are currently engaged in platonic activities. We are friends who like each other’s company but there is nothing remotely sexual or romantic going on between us. I would like to think that whomever I’m with, I can be as confident and as sure about his relationships with his female friends. It’s not lost on me that sexual tension could exist between friends. I’m not naive enough to think that these situations are black and white and human conditioning doesn’t make platonic situations weird sometimes. Liquor, drugs, the moon, feelings and other factors play a role in everyday male and female dynamics. I’m aware. I also think that being true to yourself, and honest about situations could be a foundation for a very good relationship. In an ideal world, my male friends will love my boyfriend and they can be cordial and have a good time together and the same for my man and his group of friends.
The insecurity that creeps up in relationships is a buzzkill. There’s a flip that’s switches on and things that were once cool and acceptable become major breakdowns in relationships. I don’t like that about myself. I think that in order to have a successful, peaceful, happy and transparent relationship, there has to be a thought that my partner doesn’t wish me harm. There has to be a foundation of friendship, openness and communication that leaves the door open for light to shine through. There has to be an opportunity to be my authentic self which leaves space to figure out what works and what doesn’t. Love is based on freedom. Fear is rooted in possession and expectation. Love is about transparency and a flow. Fear is restrictive and secretive. Nobody wants that and wants to deal with that.
I strive to one day be as good a girlfriend as I am to my homies. I have to remember this post when I’m about to become someone I don’t really like. Love > Fear.