The direct quote is “And who saves black women while we are out here saving everyone and providing free emotional labor? Who?” @rosechocglam on Twitter wrote this accurate statement in response to Ebro saying a hug from a black woman can save a life, specifically Kanye’s. Can y’all feel my strong fucking eye roll and me kissing my teeth? First of all, Kanye don’t need saving, he is who he is and that’s that. I wanna address this quote though, I wanna talk about the fact that black Women are strong, yes we are aware but we very seldom get the reciprocity of what we give coming back. There’s a lot of assumptions that because we are strong we can weather all storms, come out tore up and yet still be okay. Let me tell you, more often than not we will be okay but sometimes we need people to lean in, come in, break down our doors and sit with us in the silence and solace of our safe space. I’m getting a lot better at asking for support from the people in my tribe. But my natural way of being is to do shit by myself which includes mourning and grieving.
I am learning to say “I need you.” I am prideful when I say I need no one. That is a lie. The only way for me to attract reciprocity to me is by saying and speaking up when things feel off balanced. I was speaking to Stallion recently and he was saying he knows I’m strong and he knows I’ll always be good, and my honest response was I feel you but sometimes I just want to be soft and to be loved up. It is exhausting to be strong all the time. I’m naturally very organized so my brain has everything tucked away in very neat spaces but life isn’t neat nor predictable. I get very rundown and tired because often I go far too long without ever stopping to replenish my needs. I’m strong and I need support. I’m strong and I need to be hugged. I’m strong and I need forehead kisses. I’m strong and I need my hand held. I’m strong and I need gentle love making. I’m strong and I need soft kisses. I’m strong and I need to lay my head on your chest. I’m strong and I need your nurturing. I’m strong and I’m a human being with needs. My strength doesn’t absolve me of my mortal feelings.
I am by default a person who nurtures people. I am always checking in on the people in my immediate surroundings. I’m mindful to do well being checks, you ate? You used the bathroom? You need something? I can do that because it’s natural and it makes me feel happy if I can be of service. I am energized by pouring love out. That can be draining if I do not create outlets for myself to be rejuvenated and to have love poured back into me. My intention is to accept support, make room for reciprocity by allowing people to do things for me when they ask and without protesting. When someone offers me food, I can say you know what? Yes, please make me what you have. I can take rides graciously without saying I will walk or just get an Uber. I’ll accept people’s invite to just have a seat and do nothing when they ask me about me. I can allow myself to be pampered and loved. Nobody told me that I had to be super strong all the time. I have to learn a new way of being that leaves me balanced and also I have to make room to be replenished.
Wow. There is a breakthrough in writing these words for me because I realize now, that there have been a bunch of times where people have tried to lean in and I leaned back because I was like ummmmm what are you doing? The moment I have to be naked, put my soul out there and show me at my core, I get weird and I retreat in ways that are in no way helpful nor in alignment with who I said I need in my life. I am going to make different choices because I am going to stand in my love for myself and going with accessing the things I deserve. I am certainly going to make requests from the people in my life about the things I need. I’m also going to ask questions about what support looks like for others and how they feel about giving me support. Well more like asking them what are the ways that they show love and support, that leaves them empowered and feeling like they have a sense of purpose by giving their best to me. I can definitely get into that and grow accustomed to someone giving me the best love they have to give.
I don’t need saving. I need reciprocity. I need love. I need overstanding. I need comfort. I need to lay my troubles down. I need to be relaxed. I need to be kissed. I need to be loved. I need to be doted upon. I need to be worshiped. I need to be treated the way I treat myself. Lovvvvvvvve!!!!