Boomerangs are supposed to come back, right? I never actually seen a boomerang in action but that’s what they say. I’m applying that concept to this situation I’m currently experiencing. You know when you’ve given your everything to something and you literally have nothing left? Yea, that’s where I am right now. I have no more words, no more actions, no more energy to do my part because I am tired. While I can feel in my heart that the wonderful end result is something to be celebrated, these growing pains are really fucking wack. It’s too difficult for me to really try to understand and honestly I don’t even have the headspace nor the heart space to actually give more than I’ve already given. I could give him a bunch of different scenarios to make all of this better and more workable for both of us but why? A part of my exhaustion and sheer annoyance is the fact that we spoke at length. We talked about the easy things to put in place that would make any situation reasonable. We talked about how a quick call/text would add value and put out any fire in this situation. We agreed. Yet, there was none of that when the shit really mattered.
What’s there for me to do now? Nothing. I said my peace, he said his and I’m just stepping back. I cannot make a grown ass man rise to the occasion. He’s intuitive, sensible, sensitive, aware and all these other great adjectives yet none of that is shining through in this moment. But what is there for me to do? Nothing. In my heart and my spirit I look at it like well, he knows how to find you and where to find you if he really wants you. If he doesn’t, then you won’t hear from him again. If he does, he will make it right. What if he does not make it right? What if he decides that it’s too much work and then he just lets me leave? I dunno. I’ll be sad and I’ll have to fight with myself to make sure I still just leave the situation alone. I am still disappointed in what’s happening at this moment though.
I am not going to make his absence and lack of communication about me. It is affecting me but I’m not thinking it’s because of me. I know some of what’s in his head, not totally sure what’s in his heart but I know that his head says a bunch. It’s not my job to prove I am worthy. If he hasn’t figured that out then I’m definitely fucking with the wrong one. But nah it’s none of those things. He’s reconciling the shit in himself and that causes him to become overwhelmed and then shut down. Fine. But that inconsistent roller coaster of emotions makes me sad and also a little crazy. Why isn’t this easier? Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t I know how to not give a fuck too? That’s an unfair analysis, he gives lots of fucks but he doesn’t know where to put all that shit. Again, not my problem.
How do I allow myself to be peaceful in this situation? How do I yield and allow myself to remain above board? I live my life. I have so many different projects swirling in my brain and I really need to give my energy to that space. I have to also focus on what I allow in my life and the way I allow people to treat me. Walking away and letting a situation die is something I have to learn to do. Doing all the work leaves me exhausted, uninspired and robs me of my joy. I am committed to my happiness and my mental health above anything else. If that means that I have to take a pause from someone I love then that’s what it’s going to be. I refuse to have this anxiety haunt my life. If someone is yours they will circle back. If we were ever anything then the story isn’t over. This particular chapter is closed. Annoying.