At this moment, my heart is busting wide open. It is full and it is free. The feelings of rage I had subsided, why? Because I let them out with the people who love me. I gave myself the permission to become undone, unraveled, uncomposed, my true self, accessing real fucking emotions and now I am just about free. It’s not that something outside of me shifted BUT I shifted my thoughts about what I was feeling. I had to reconcile in myself that I was not dealing with someone who loved me, honored me nor appreciated me. I was dealing with someone who took selfish actions, they were looking to preserve themselves and their mind. I receive that. I also take that reality and allow it to move through me and I accept that someone who loved me would not behave in such a way. This person doesn’t deserve any part of me.
When we love and show love it is easy and it doesn’t hide. We cannot force anyone to love us and we teach people how to love us. My lesson in life and my lesson in romance is stepping back and allowing people to do their job. I have said this a million times. I am learning to live it. People show you who they are very early on and no amount of rose colored glasses can ever in this life make someone be who they are not. In the very subjective analysis I can definitively say that I was not treated with love, kindness nor consideration. There was no part of the way he acted came from a place of love. He is selfish and he is a coward. Fine. That is not the way i want to live my life. Therefore there’s no energy that this man could get from me in real life. I need to write this out, talk it out, purge it out and then move on. I can think about the situation as a reminder and as a lesson not to give in too easily. This is a reminder and a lesson to reconcile my own feelings and go with my gut the first time. I need to hear when people say they are limited and let them sit in their limits and not try to make a half ass attempt at love work. No. There has to come a time when I am okay with hearing what people have to say and leaving them to step into their growth. If you want me you gotta show me because your words don’t mean shit.
I am in these growing pains and I live for these moments. I live for these lessons in my own self love and my own self growth. I am teaching myself what to accept and what is not cool. I have these fierce women in my life who won’t let me lie to myself or rob myself of joy and happiness and patience and peace because they know who I am and where I am going. If I don’t have these conversations that start in rage and end in love then what am I doing? I have to know also that just because I had some good times with someone it doesn’t mean that we belong together. Or also means that just because I am really pissed and and angry with someone it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve my empathy. But it also doesn’t mean that they get to have anything from me. I don’t owe anyone anything and I feel good about that. Who I am is love and light and joy and patience and peace. It takes me a while to work through and walk through all of that pain and all of that bullshit but it is all worth it. It is worth the heartache and the headache and the tears and the heart pain because it makes me stronger and it makes me a fierce lover and it opens my heart up to loving myself and therefore the world on a deeper level. My love is free, love is free, love is an unrestricted and unconstrained entity and it grows in me daily and effortlessly. Even in my pain and my breakdown and my rage, I have found the lesson and the love that I seek and as always it never lived outside of me. The love and the answers and the breakthrough did not live with fucking up anyone. The love and the peace and the joy and the patience lives with me in the same place that the rage lives. I get to decide which side of me that I feed. I have to be okay with my rage in order to come full circle to my peace. I gotta feel all my feelings and feel it authentically in order to be one with my peace.
I love myself. I love you. I love him. I love humanity. I love the world as it is and I love myself enough to be honest about my pain and my anger. People will trespass against my heart and that is a part of life. Hurt and pain expands my capacity for forgiveness and to love people just a little bit harder. If I can’t have love and display love then who am I really? I AM love and light despite any circumstances. I am love and light.