I promise you that on the other side of all this love, light and positive energy is a fierce ass warrior who absolutely will fuck your whole shit up. I spent a whole bunch of years being nice, holding back, swallowing my words and keeping the peace. I love diplomacy and taking the high road UNTIL that shit gets me fucked over. I don’t give a damn about politeness in this moment because guess what? No politeness was extended to me. There was no consideration beyond someone’s lack of self knowledge and self awareness for who I was or my feelings. What if I had punched him in the nose the first time? Or taken a baseball bat to all his shit? I’d be crazy then, right? I’d be in the wrong and unhinged, right? Women get this bad wrap for being crazy but they don’t talk about about the shit that lead up to it!!!!! I think for the most part I’m pretty even and balanced in my requests and my way of life. Buttttttttttttttttt the moment that I have nothing to work with or work through because of a deliberate lack of communication there is something that implodes inside of me. I lose sleep, my heart races, I question myself and I tear myself apart. I take on and internalize his lack of accountability as my own and that is my bad.
But you know what??? Fuck that. I am so done being nice. I am so done with that space of being loving and nurturing because he doesn’t deserve it. Lol. I wrote that and I know I’m lying. He deserves my kindness and my love but from afar. He can have my prayers, my positivity and my good vibes but from way over here. He doesn’t get to have my presence, my energy, my warmth, my affection until he’s earned that shit. At this moment he deserves for my to put on my pink boxing gloves and punch him in the face, his chest, his throat and his ribs. I like his god given third leg, I don’t want to hurt that. But I want him to be in physical pain so he can feel what I feel. And I want to hurt his feelings because he hurt mine. Petty, right? Nah fuck that, I feel very justified in my rage and while I may not actually act on it in this moment I can’t promise I will never do something that I just mighy regret. But in reality we know that black women don’t have the room to fuck shit up and not go to jail. I promise you I love my freedom way more than I wanna fuck him UP but I have to find a way to deal with that.
Sometimes woosah doesn’t work and frankly I do not want to woosah. I do not want to be good and gracious and merciful. Why should I be? Why should I be kind? It’s the right thing to do? The right thing FOR ME is to look him in the eyes, have him look me in the eyes and say every fucking thing that’s on my mind. I want to roundhouse kick him straight in the face and scratch his chest with my nails and kick him straight in the shins. I want to bruise his ribs badly so that he has trouble gasping for air so he can feel what I felt when he did what he did. He has to feel the painful way that I was left to feel. The way people stop doing shit is when they realize how badly it fucking hurts them. I am not someone who wants anyone to feel pain they don’t have to feel BUT he deserves to feel what he’s done to me. I do not get pleasure from this. This feeling of pressure on my chest and the rage in the pit of my stomach is not something I like feeling. It’s terrible. It needs to come out. And the person responsible should feel the wrath. No one else. He deserves my love and he deserves my wrath too.
My heart is racing. That’s fine. It’s okay that it’s racing. I need to feel my feelings. I need to experience this because it’s a part of what makes us human. I don’t give a fuck if he’s ready or not to talk to me about the bullshit. He doesn’t get to decide that it’s convenient for his ass. I really don’t care how he feels. I need him to know what the fuck I feel and then I’m gonna leave. He can have my back, my coldness and all the shit that someone should have when they have fucked up. I’m too god damn nice. I’m too sweet. I’m too forgiving and that shit is cool for people who have earned it. But if you’re constantly fucking ME over then I’m going to treat you like the asshole that you are. You get no love when you act like a fucking dick. I promise I’m not gonna vandalize any property or actually draw blood or inflict bodily harm. I’m not going to actually do any of that. BUT….I am going to fuck him up. I dunno what that means. lol. But I’m going to figure it out before I do some shit I can’t take back. Thank god for this blog because if I saw him without writing this and processing this with my tribe, his shit would have been fucked up. Why do ppl do dumb things? Why?