If you know me, you know that this is something I’m super serious about. I tell everyone I date (which is why I prefer to date other parents) that I’m done having babies. I’m 35 which is young but too old in my opinion to start over with a new baby what?!!! That thought is traumatizing to me. I have a really spectacular kid, she’s independent, focused, caring and did I say independent? The idea of going back to diapers, diaper bags, puke, potty training, drool and all that other new baby woes is the shit that nightmares are made of and I want no parts of it. I had a very traumatizing 0-12 months. I had crazy postpartum and the days and nights and weeks and months of lack of sleep made me a crazy person. And by crazy I mean I was literally losing mind. I would make bottles for the entire week, not remembering that the shelf life was like 12 hours max. I would be doing things on auto pilot and would not remember doing them. The nights when she would cry for the sake of crying I would literally be walking in circles and zone out while walking. My world was one that existed a lot in my mind and hyper focused on my child because all I wanted to do was be a loving mommy and make sure that I didn’t accidentally kill my kid or myself.
What I haven’t said enough and what I will continue to say now is that there were many nights when I was very close to dying. I didn’t take any measures to actually kill myself but I would really ask the universe to help me die. My world wasn’t mine. I was very much a shell of myself and people would check on the baby and ask about her and even joke it wasn’t about me anymore and the irony for me was that I felt that so powerfully. I was imprisoned in my mind and in my feelings and I would never say that I was lonely, sad and drowning in loneliness and silence. I was dealing with a husband who decided to dip out of the marriage through infidelity and take no responsibility for anything whatsoever. I dealt with that while dealing with family members who were good for criticisms but never for emotional support. I been knew that and I wasn’t looking for that but it made my life that much harder.
I don’t doubt that my experience a second time around could be very different and totally transformed but I’ve been traumatized for life. I cannot ever go back to feeling that way. I’m different and how I view the world is different but even with the knowledge I have, I wouldn’t do it to myself. Just nah. Nahhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Hence all that history, I know I am not fucking with having more kids. That shit is just not for me and I wouldn’t want my choice to affect someone who really wanted kids. I want to date committed dads who are DILFs( Dad I Like to Fuck)….haha because I mean they know what it’s like to raise their kids and they don’t want more. I can have more kids, I just don’t want no more growing inside of my womb. Fuck that. I would be a dope step mom though. I’ve always said that I would absolutely love and adore another kid as my own because why not? I feel like children are a blessing and regardless of whether or not they came from me, I’m gonna love them as though they were mine. I want to have a blended family with his kids, his baby mama and our families living lives peacefully together because we can all raise all the kids in a loving village.
My commitment is to leave this world better than I found it. I think I can do that by raising a great kid that I gave birth to and to love other children the same as my own kid. I want to experience a life that is filled with love and loving people, especially little people. My experience of dating committed dads is that they are sexy as hell and it’s even more endearing when they are coparenting peacefully with their exes. I think that is a world that provides the length and breadth of love for children. My dad has 5 kids with 4 women and everyone gets along and always got along when I was a kid. I knew what that love and self sacrifice looked like. There’s no need to be egotistical and prideful when loving children. I mean why? Why wouldn’t I love a child with all I have, especially if I love their father? Children are so pure and perfect and I feel like they could stand to get all the love that they could ever hope to have because it does something beautiful to their souls.
I don’t want more kids and that’s a definite choice. But I want to love a man who has kids or who doesn’t want kids and will love mine. I want to love a man who has a huge capacity for love, loving other children that aren’t his and committing his life to making the world better. I want to love a man who is committed to parenting because he knows that is the most important job he will ever have. I want to love a man who is committed to loving himself so much that he has love for humanity and his knows that means loving me and my child with his everything. I don’t want more kids but I’ll love your kids and that’s just that.