In Hindsight

It needed to happen. I needed my emotions to be spilled all over the floor, at his feet, untidy, raw, unhinged and unapologetic. I needed the space and the room to do my thing the way I needed to do it and there was not much else beyond that. I had gone through the scenarios where I was eloquent, gracious and tactful. I thought about the ways in which I was my best self, kind, and leaving room for a formal conversation to take place where everyone has time to be their greatest self.I thought about all the ways in which I could have taken the high road and been the one to be easy, accommodating and creating the space for love and light to thrive. I was still holding that intention in the parts of me where the light really shines brilliantly, but that is not who catwalked out of that space. The person who approached Stallion is the person who lives right next to the light in me. The person who was unwilling to be silenced, ghosted, rejected and forced to just be in a state of wonder, was the person who walked out of that space. I did not know what I was going to say, and I was not entirely sure that I was not going to uppercut him in his face BUT I needed to unleash and well, that is what happened.

I opened with a demand and the shit spiraled from there. I cannot say that it was the most productive conversation, I cannot say that it was eloquent or polite or good for either of us BUT I needed that part out of my system. I also wanted to see an unfiltered and non prepared reaction from him. There was a lot of excuses and projections and accusations BUT there was no apology, no acknowledgement and nothing nice was accomplished. I did get to vent. I got to say, I got to accuse and while it felt good to release, and I have made sure that I got so pissed that I knew there is no coming back, I did not feel good leaving the space filled with unkindness. But he created and built that space for there to be no honesty and no communication that honors anyone. I learned many things about Stallion that day, or rather I learned about ppls perception of him, and while I hear them and I take it in, I still do not think he is JUST those things. I think, well what I think does not matter. That chapter is closed. I do not think I was thinking to close the chapter because I always look for ways to salvage situations and make room for people to be themselves no matter how that looks and I am open and accepting. BUT there have been a handful of times where I was unwilling to be flexible, be kind, be open and I just let them bring their real selves and I said NAH…FUCK THAT. I think far too often people who are not truly held accountable get away with their shit. They go through life and they do what they do and they do not truly reflect on the shit they caused. In true classic fashion, I was crazy, and I came on too strong and it was all the bullshit about how I had failed, but never acknowledging what got us there to begin with. No problem, I dealt with that situation when I was 24, I do not need to do that again. We done.

I really do not know if Stallion was a figment of my imagination, but I am suspecting that he was a part of my narrative in a way that was ONLY true for me. Who I wanted to be in relation to him, and who he was for me was true for me and it was not going to play out the way I wanted…not under any circumstances. Mama BFF always says that I go in hard and so fast and yea, she is right. I go full speed ahead and then it crashes. Duh, the situation I put myself in does not leave space for organic growth and that is the lesson, among other lessons and well, I just am going to have to keep facing it, until it is finally learned. We all have our paths to walk and basically nothing is going to happen without us playing a hand in our own fate. That situation was going to come to a head and I am so used to shit unfolding, me being rattled, and with time, it all blows over until the next lesson. I needed that moment to get me past this space. I needed the ugliness and the burning down of that bridge to move on, but no words and no convo meant no closure and I could not live with that. I also knew I could never trust nor be with him in the same way ever again, and I needed to burn him out of my life so it had to be in a way that I felt there was no coming back from at all. Sadly, I need him to be so mad at me that I know there is no possibility of talking or forgiveness. I just needed an ending that left no room for an open door ever again. Cuz, nah, fuck him.

In hindsight I would have taken his number and taken my ass home. I would have parked him where I park everyone that I may or may not see again. I would have text him maybe to get our kids together and it could have been cool. But the reality remains that situation was for a season, and a reason and now it is done. Life is made for these lessons, and I am thankful I am here to learn.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s