The Lull

This happens to me periodically; I’m on a high…a super high and then I crash. I didn’t crash but I’m just in a lull. There’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing happening that’s particularly spectacular either. Everything is just okay. I am thinking that is a good thing. I think I like when my life is a little dramatic. Ha ha. It makes me feel alive, and like I have some shit to keep my mind occupied. I mean I have a lot to keep my mind occupied, believe me BUT it’s just not that exciting and I’m annoyed by that. Whatever.

I went on the worst date in the universe on Friday. Okay, maybe not the worst ever but it was pretty awful. I need to stop deluding myself into thinking I can date a short guy. Like you can’t be short AND skinny…you can’t. You have to pick a struggle but it cannot be both AND you need to be honest about that shit. I’m a curvy girl and I’m tall, so if you’re short, you better be able to pick my ass up. But if you’re under 200 lbs and you’re short, how you gonna protect us boo??? How you gonna protect me if someone comes at us? The same way dudes have their preferences then so do women. I’d date a shorter man who works out and has some body on him. Or you can be tall and skinny but you gotta have somebody on you….you cannot just be frail. Nah son. That ain’t about nothing. Anyway, so he meets me and I’m like GOD he a liar…. boy you aren’t 5’10 and you aren’t average build….so yea nah. Now, I’ll say he was cool on the phone and we had good conversation BUT he was laying the compliments on kinda thick. I’m not saying I’m not worthy of what he was saying BUT he don’t know me enough to say all that shit he was saying. I am not about that empty flattery life, makes me feel like something is wrong with you.

Wait so listen, cuz I knew that date wasn’t going a damn place I took him to my Cheers. The bartenders already knew what time it was the moment I sat down. They knew by my face that I wasn’t with the shit and they were trying to help me as much as possible. We could have probably made it through the date, EXCEPT this dude was really trying to stare into my eyes and hold my hand. MY DUDE…..what the fuck about my body language indicates to YOU that I am feeling you enough to hold your hand, in a bar, and with this drink in front of me???? Nooooooo!!!!!!! Finally he asks me if I’m okay. I’m like, actually nah I’m not. You lied about your height and you misrepresented yourself. He was really trying to convince MEEEEEEE that I should look past that and be into the guy I spoke to on the phone. But youuuuuuu know what?!!?? No my dude…your physical appearance is not appealing to me and I don’t care how many good conversations we have…I’m not attracted to you and I cannot fuck your words so let’s just move past that. He was salty. I ain’t care because I’m a really bad pretender. My energy doesn’t lie and you’ll feel my walls and it will not come down just because you want them to. I’m not into you. That’s that.

I went out after that with someone else and that was fun as hell. He ain’t lie. He was straight up about who he was and we had a good time. I need to be able to have a good time because you like yourself and you are just straight about who you are. Keep all that foolishness over there. I’m not looking for anyone to fit into any imaginary boxes. I’ll take you as you are as long as you’re real about who you are. I’m straight about me. I’m simply complicated as fuck. I’m difficult and easy at the same time. We don’t need an agenda or a magic compass to guide our interaction. Nah son. Just be yourself and we will be good. Cuz I’m gonna be me regardless and all this sass and sarcasm isn’t for everyone and honestly, I don’t give a fuck. Take me as I am or have nothing at all. I’m nice but not at the expense of my sanity, integrity or peace of mind. I’ll be damned if comprise myself for some shit that may not last anyway. Be you…truly and I promise I’ll do my best to be into you as much as my heart will allow and if it stops working, you’ll be the second person to know.

Anyway y’all. I’m here. I have interesting things going on and I’m okay. I know a few of y’all reached out to check in and I thank you. I’m good. I’m just chillin in the cut observing a little bit but I’m good.