What I know about myself is that when a certain amount of time had passed, I’m never as angry or as vengeful or the same amount of emotion isn’t there. I cool off and I take a look introspectively at myself and play back the details of the situation. I look for ways where things could have been better and the outcome different. But…what has happened has already happened and I can’t go backwards.
In the moment of that heated conversation and confrontation I wasn’t ever going to talk to him again. I was done. Maybe. I knew that particular aspect of us was through and there was nothing left for that. But like with all things the time passed. That feeling of maddening rage passed. And the reminiscing and the wondering if he’s okay started to set in and that feeling is a feeling that cannot be shaken. When you’re connected to a person and the chord truly hasn’t been cut, you will feel each other’s vibration even if the communication is not there. He felt me feeling him and even though I said I was never going to talk to him again, I was talking to him in my mind and into the universe. He was talking to me in his mind and into the universe and the universe connected our words. He reached out. I reached back. We leaned in and that was that.
I know y’all are probably like…nah bitch….the fuck you mean that was that. Lmaoooooo. Yes even after I cussed him out and he listened and he spun his wheels and he absorbed my anger that he deserved…we talked. It was a conversation about the past and we just stayed very much present to our current realities and that was that. I wasn’t going to be mad at him forever but he didn’t know that. He did know that he hoped I wasn’t going to be mad forever because we are better than what went down. But I know it needed to happen that way and so did he. I know how I feel about him and I can’t allow myself to feel that way without work being done. There’s too much of my sanity at stake to go down that road again right now and honestly, I don’t have the willingness to be in such a state of devastation again. I’m pretty sure that we could work at something but as of right now, I’m not sure that I could or desire to work on anything with him. I would have to really be present and while I can always be if I had to, I don’t trust that he’s capable. Honestly.
But this is not about him, this is about me, time, forgiveness and healing. The more I am in tune with myself, is the less fucks I give about what has been done to me. Things happen and even myself, I have toxic behaviors and I lay my path the way I see it, and it may or may not lead to my detriment. I’m just as responsible for how I manage my emotions in situations. People will do stuff, and I will do stuff and while I’m not responsible for how someone treats me, I am responsible for my actions in the aftermath. Wisdom is about growing from my breakdowns and finding the breakthroughs. I am learning. Even in breaking through the barriers….I am clear that all things that go up, must come down. I’ll have breakthroughs and then I’ll have some breakdowns and all of that will matter very little, because….that too shall pass.