Facing MY Bullshit

Ugh. I’m in the midst of a self introspective space and as much as I don’t like dealing with my funk, I like dealing with my funk. It’s necessary. I’m uncomfortable and I really don’t like this specific feeling but it is what it is. It’s a feeling of knowing that I’m overreacting, knowing that I’m not being at peace and losing my shit because I am allowing my anxiety to get the best of me. These are days when I have to stop, breathe, unpack and compartmentalize what is happening with me. Writing this blog is the biggest form of catharsis for me and it helps me face myself and my thoughts that I’ve been dipping and dodging. I cannot be there for anyone right now, I need to be here for myself because I keep walking backwards and expecting different results. What is that?

Often when we speak of toxicity we are referring to someone outside of ourselves. But do we ever put our own toxicity on blast publicly? I don’t. I know that my toxic behavior is pushing boundaries so I can get what I want. I hear what someone is telling me but sometimes I dishonor their space because I’m actively caught up in what I want. I will do what I want anyway because why would I do anything else? But what that does is push someone further from me and instead of falling back, I get more indignant and well…that doesn’t go well. Surprise. An ex boyfriend used to tell me I was a brat and would get really mad at him. I’d literally get sassy and fight him on his words…while proving his point. Fuck. My behavior is literally the image of a child saying LOVVVVVVVVVVE ME…..TOUCH MEEEEEE…..HUGGGGGGG ME…..PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEE. After the person has told me the shit multiple times. But I want what I want when I want it. 😐

In the observation of this toxic behavior, I attract to me people who have only but so much to give and not much else. They say it. I hear what I want. Got it. So of course emotionally available people are appealing but nothing manifests because I’m like uhhhhhh why you giving me so much attention? Weirdo. That’s toxic. I know. I have been a loner for a long time. Like, I know a ton of people, I can be social, I can be the life of the party but I feel most comfortable by myself, in my own world, writing and jumping to conclusions. Obviously that’s healthy behavior. I’m so over myself. Lmao. So is the access to getting over these hurdles dating people who want to love me for me without the heartache? I guess. Yea. But is it also honoring what the people say when they are upfront about what they can or can’t do? Sure. But it’s also taking a seat and pouring all my energy into creating healthy routines.

I don’t have any right now. I’m not meditating. I’m not practicing yoga. I’m not eating healthy food. I’m not taking my nature walks. I’m not creating magic. I’m caught up in focusing on what I don’t have and not taking the steps to be grateful, honor myself and be full of grace. Damn tho. I know. At least I know. And I’m writing it all out because I need to see what I need to do instead of just rolling around in my own bullshit. People will be who they be. What’s that got to do with me? Not a damn thing. I gotta mind my damn business and worry about myself because at this moment I really wouldn’t want to date me. Nah. Too many errant and erratic thoughts. I need to ground myself and find my true north. My heart is full and there’s nothing wrong but I need to raise my vibration. Honestly.

We are all a sum of our light and darkness. I’m no different. I gotta work out my shit. I need to dial back my energy and stay in reflection and a space of quiet creation because who I’m being is a version of myself I’m not happy with. That’s okay. I refuse to punish myself for something that’s normal. I just gotta stop spinning in my bullshit and stand in my light. I need to access my light. In order to do that, I need to go dark. I promise to be gentle with myself and go hard when I need to. Everything is okay. I just need to recalibrate.

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