There are times when I sell out on myself for that temporary feeling of satisfaction. I do it more often than not doing it. I do not always choose the best thing for myself in the long run because I choose the temporary joy and work out the details later. It works in my favor sometimes and other times, it just doesn’t. I have no regrets. I am not mad at any of my choices and I am not looking to take any of my experiences back from myself. But, what I am saying is that I have to learn to check in and honor what I want in the long term and make that work in my present. I have to learn to take steps back and say nah to moments of temporary relief because that shit will be ripped off sooner than later and the wound will be much more infected later on. Selling out on myself has to end.
I am actively assessing the feelings I’m feeling and digesting what I’m feeling. I am in love with the idea of could be, what maybe could manifest and I’m saddened that the present doesn’t match. That’s fine. All those feelings are valid. What I have to do is remind myself that BECAUSE nothing is there and nothing of merit has been there prior, I need to stop leaning in at all. I’ll have to treat him like everyone else in the rotation and be present when we are together and turn off when we are not. Point blank. It’s not an ideal way of being BUT it’s what I have to do, to maintain my sanity and my sanity and well being trumps anyone’s desires. I don’t care how much you want me….wanting me isn’t equated with value and if you truly valued ME, then you’d treat me better. But we teach people how to treat us. They take our lead. So how am I gonna treat myself?
Nobody can make you feel inadequate without your permission. I control this situation and not for the sake of control but for the preservation of my sanity. We all have to do things that keep us hinged and in check so that we don’t go off the rails. For me, I have to maintain a certain amount of distance and a keeping at bay or else I’ll get back into the same cycle of needing more than he can give. I can’t do that to myself. But I will say that I’m going to tell the truth and tell him WHY I can’t and won’t be doing what I’ve done before because it fucking hurts when I do. It hurts when he is unable to reciprocate or chooses not to reciprocate for whatever the reason. I can’t be caught up in someone who can’t match my energy. That’s just that.
I’m responsible for what I do in the moments when I have a choice. I can choose the moment of joy but a longer period of time with regret or I can say nah, I’m good and wait some time to have him rise to the occasion. This isn’t about respectability politics or holding out on sex or someone respecting my body. This is not about that. But it’s more about how I communicate my needs and wants to a person I have built a relationship with. Who I am in this moment and in the moments that follow is what will determine the course we take from here. I don’t have words right now because they are all via virtual reality. The words that need to be said have to be in person and I need to touch his skin and watch his face. Because I have stuff to get off my chest and that’s for me and only me. Beyond that truth, I can be empty and put him in the box that he will have to live in until I am able to place him in a fluid space. That space is not here yet. My room for him, doesn’t exist in a healthy space yet and because of that…I’ll have to keep him far away from my heart.
Value is about recognizing my worth and honoring that. Want is satisfying your desires regardless of how I feel. Value > Want.