Time heals ALL wounds. Indeed. The wound can exist because we know it happened but in time, pain does dull and the wound scabs over. The wound happened. It did fester and maybe it got infected and shit, the scab was probably pulled off a few times but that wound does not stay the way it was when it first happened. Time ensures that we heal whether or not we choose to let go of the mental pain is up to us, but that physical wound definitely heals. I think of some of some of my deeply traumatic and deep wounds and on occasion it stops me dead in my tracks and even sometimes I feel inclined to shed a tear or ten but it never lasts as long as it did the first time around.
We have all faced grief, trauma and drama and we all deal with those things differently. The beginning of pain for me holds a lot of revisiting and thinking about the situation. I imagine different scenarios, different angles and basically I keep fucking myself up until I’ve exhausted every ounce of sanity out of myself and something or someone pulls me up and I realize it is enough. It’s my process. I have to heal myself through my methods of healing and that means going over the incident in detail multiple times because you know…how else can I get past it? But I think back on the loves of life…..and I say that sarcastically as fuck and I think to myself….was I drunk that whole time? Like people who I would never even look at twice now and it seems like I was legit gonna die without them in my life. Wow! I’m wild dramatic.
You know what I can say now though? I lived. There were times when I thought I couldn’t breathe or live or exist without this person and well…I’m loving and LIVING and I ain’t die. Now I gotta be real and say that the people who i have lost to death, that’s a different kind of hurt. That pain of going people dying sudden and violent deaths is a wound that does heal BUT it hurts differently because I’ll never see them again. Ever. A lot of that pain is devastating still because there’s no earthly representation of that interaction and that void is NEVER filled. The time passes and the wound does scab but that pain tho….ugh…it doesn’t hurt as much in the heart as it did but it hurts nonetheless. Can this be applied to situations that fucked up my heart too? Maybe.
In reflection and remembrance of the things that caused serious heart break, there is a lesson or multiple lessons to be learned. I am wiser and more discerning with my time and my energy, for sure. I think I put myself in precarious situations because I needed to fucking know. I know and while I wouldn’t say it was worth it per say, I’m glad I experienced all that pain and all the bad choices because it made me a lot more aware of myself, my capabilities and the shit that i should and shouldn’t do. I know that I’m responsible for a lot of my own headache and heartache by stepping into stupid situations. I needed to know. I now know. Lesson learned. Maybe. The fact remains that time does heal…it helps…but it’s also about what is done with that time. It’s about the self work, the self reflection and self work, self love and the digging into your self and facing my own toxicity, my own bullshit and my own crazy dramatic stuff that I have to work through. I’m not saying that I didn’t interact with some assholes BUT I think that like me, and you reading this, everyone has their stuff to deal with. I don’t think that I made it easy to be around or to…whatever. We all are walking our own path and sometimes we fuck ppl up in the process. Sometimes we are awful and while intentions can be good, things don’t always workout the way they should. I get it. This is why it’s hard for me to stay mad and stay pissed because I know in moments of my own shit, I’d want to be forgiven and thought of positively despite moments of chaos. I’m nobody’s judge. But I am my own.
Time will pass anyway. Apply that time to working on myself and sorting through my stuff. Holding a grudge and being angry at someone for their coping mechanisms doesn’t serve any part of me. So, I choose love. I choose forgiveness. I choose peace. I love me more than I love any anger, sadness or revenge. Time heals. I promise.