As I AM…

Despite what anyone tells me, I know that I AM enough. Despite what I may tell myself when I’m feeling at my worst, I KNOW I am enough. There are moments when I need to empty my brain and empty my heart and just stop with the negative talk to myself about myself. I also realize that the voice in my head is not my own, but rather the voice of my mother projecting her thoughts about her on to me. I used to be distraught about what she would say to me but in reality I feel sympathy for her. We are all imperfect but she made me feel for a long time that my imperfections were not normal or worthy of love. THAT has nothing to do with me but everything to do with the trauma of her own thoughts and struggles. I will send her love and light because that is a miserable existence.

I know that mother/daughter dynamics are hard. I watch ppl who are close to their moms and I’m amazed and a little jealous of the ease and flow of their interaction. I don’t know what it’s like to have an emotional connection with a mother. I had it when I was a kid but when she came here without me, we lost each other and we never found each other again. There’s a mutual distrust, dislike and an arms length at which we hold each other. I won’t say the relationship is beyond repair BUT I really don’t see myself working through any kind of rational dynamic with her. Her personal anger and bitterness is unworkable and frankly I cannot be consumed by anyone who is as irrational as she is. The irrational behavior I think is lack of self awareness. She doesn’t apologize, admit to wrong doing, talk with reason nor does she listen. That’s who she is. That has nothing to do with anything AND it has no bearing on who I am. In the grand scheme of things I believe ALL relationships are karmic. In this life she is my mother but in our past lives who knows what our dynamic was. All I know is that in this life, I will NOT allow her to break my spirit.

I have enough conversations with people to know that we all have someone in our lives who is poison to our hearts. It could be people we choose or the people we are born into. This type of dynamic drives people to drugs, alcoholism, sexual deviance and other ways of coping that isn’t really coping but actually more poison. It takes work to undo poisonous words. It takes serious mental fortitude to really overcome the harsh words of those who are supposed to love us but harm us instead. I think what I’ve learned from Don Miguel Ruiz is that NOTHING anyone does is because of us. We can assign blame and say someone did this and that but really we have choices and the way we respond to our emotions is what will drive our lives. How I respond to the negative ways of being or possible ways of being is on me and nobody can truly affect my inner environment without me allowing that. I reject the negativity.

I’m perfect in my imperfection. What I can say as someone who was subject to many ppls unsolicited opinions of me for so long, I became very aware of myself. I learned me, I learned my brain, my heart, my triggers and what I need to do to heal. I did not have a choice in what I shared as a teen, I was just spoken to like someone who always had something wrong with them. I wasn’t celebrated nor praised nor exalted, so I had to come from that and learn how to create the space for myself to be great. I refuse to be broken and allow anyone to shit on my joy BECAUSE those people are hurting badly. I get it. I feel the dynamic sting of pain in my heart because I am very human and I would have loved to be loved by the person who birthed me. But I accept that she is incapable and that is okay. I have people, a community, a village of folks who love me and I am so grateful for that. I am wonderful as I am. I am whole as I am. I am perfect in my imperfection. I am.

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