Bright Lights

When your light shines brilliantly, you’ll attract all kinds of people who may be equally as bright or those who will try to steal that light whether they mean to or not. I’ve come to learn that I have to protect my energy fiercely and that means putting up some serious blocks. I have to wear sunglasses so my eyes don’t connect, I limit conversations because I really refuse to engage in small talk and I put an arms length between me and folks whose energy I don’t feel positively towards BECAUSE I don’t want that shit in my space. I had to learn this the hard way because I really thought I had to be engaging to all people because that’s what being love and light meant. But in actuality, love and light means honoring MYSELF first and primarily because no one is going to be there when I have to recover from all the negative vibes.

My obligation is to myself first. Secondly, my obligation is to my child. Anyone else is actually a choice that I make powerfully and I get to say who stays and goes. I don’t feel the desire to keep people in my life because of history or reasons that predate the current circumstances. I believe that it is crucial that I check in with myself when I leave situations. I think that I have to become equipped in dealing with myself and feeling out how a situation has me feeling. Is my light still as bright? Am I feeling elevated? Am I feeling powerful? Am I tired? Drained? Strained? Overwhelmed? The answers to those things matter tremendously and the more I explore my truth, is the more I realize that I haven’t been very honest about some of the relationships in my life. I’ve literally been walking on eggshells and trying to sort out my recovery after these draining experiences. The recovery is self protection and bowing out.

As I write this, I am physically ill because I don’t necessarily know how to navigate break ups and still shine brightly. I mean, my light will shine regardless but I don’t know how to make someone not feel hurt by my choice to leave. I don’t want them to self destruct and make it mean something about themselves. I cannot control that. It’s not about them, it’s about me needing to be whole and I feel less than whole, less than happy, less than powerful when I have to break up. I know in the long run it’s what is necessary, and I know it’s what will make me feel better but it’s hard and it feels wack but a lifetime of these types of interactions will be poison to my soul. I won’t allow myself to be dimmed or shrunk to fit someone’s thoughts about themselves. I’m not interested in that. It doesn’t work.

I feel like I’m going to another world at this moment. I’m in another dimension and I am elevated to a status that I am having a hard time placing or identifying. It’s a world that I don’t recognize but I do know that I am where I’m supposed to be. With that reality, comes the actual realization that I have outgrown spaces, people and thoughts in my life. It’s not a looking down on anyone but it IS a graduation from a phase in my life that no longer serves me. I have to change my narrative. I have to transform my life and that means shedding dead weight in all forms. Intellectually it hurts but spiritually it will FREE ME! I embrace my elevation, and my shift into the next realm. I feel strongly and boldly about what I am supposed to be doing, even though I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m walking my truth. I’m speaking my truth and while my soul has been known, my mind is just now overstanding what is going on with me. It’s time to elevate and let what doesn’t serve me go.