Letting Myself Win

There is something very particular about consistent happiness that feels unreal. I’ll close a great deal, or I’ll connect with someone deeply or I’ll just have an amazing time and then the next day I spend picking apart everything that could have been better and looking for things to go wrong. What is this masochistic behavior? Why can’t I just sit with joy and relish in happiness? Why do I feel like I have to pull the loose string, only to watch the entire thing unravel? It’s nothing more than lack of self awareness. By awareness I mean, remembering that it is ME who is the narrator and the author of how I respond to things. It is me where these thoughts start and while situations have me feeling a certain way, I have to affirm myself and remind myself that feelings are like the weather; subject to change. I have to remember that a bad moment doesn’t make a bad life. I have to remember that personal demons are a part of me but they are not all of me and just as bad and negative thoughts can invade my mind, so can positive and joyful thoughts. I’m the one who gets to make that call.

I’ve been in a funk for the past couple of weeks. There’s something crazy about periods that fling my moods and my thoughts into insane spaces. You’d think that I would have a handle on PMS by now, but honestly I am still surprised when I am having a hard time getting out of bed because of crippling thoughts. I still get caught off guard when I cry at commercials that I see in passing or feeling extreme rage at a minor infraction. I literally have to remind myself that these feelings will pass, they are not a reliable test for reality and I will overcome these moods in a moment. I do still need to ride it out though. It’s like what Dory says “Just Keep Swimming.” I like to think that I’m a really damn good swimmer and sometimes on a leisurely swim I encounter a rip current and the rip current tries to pull me under but as an experienced swimmer, I stay calm and allow myself to be taken. However, that’s not always the case, because I want to fight the current and I want to swim freely so I start to drown. I go under, I take in a lot of water, and I flop around because of heavy resistance. Then, at the moment when I decide that this could be the moment of my death and my demise, I release the need to fight and like always, I regain calm, I regain control and what was such a major fight returns to calm, ease and while still difficult, I know I no longer need to resist. That is what it’s like battling PMS and the its wild range of emotions that come along with it. It’s hard as fuck and I’m not always good at managing it.

I’m a sum total of all my ways of being and some are love and light and other parts are darkness and chaos. I have to remember to take time to incubate and take steps back. Diet and exercise help a lot when managing the mood swings and PMS symptoms. While I am craving sugar, that’s the absolute last thing I should eat because it does nothing positive for my body. I also have to learn to communicate with those around me and closest to me. Instead of sharing the plethora of nasty and chaotic thoughts I have going on, I could say what I need from them to make these feelings ease. I want affirmations, ones reminding me of the person I am, and just sharing how they feel about me, basically pouring the syrup on top of sugar. Lmao. I need some gentleness, softness, quality time and lots of hugs. I don’t need to have long conversations because we won’t end up talking about about anything productive. It’s like trying to have an analytical conversation with someone on rampage. It’s not gonna go anywhere positive, so let’s just keep it light. I’m learning that because I don’t share my space too often with anyone, so I’m learning to navigate my own stuff, when managing something new. I pray for mercy, grace and patience because I know it’s not easy to deal with me.

All in all, I am overstanding that I am a very strong swimmer and even the strongest swimmers have scary moments of near drowning. I know that I have no control over the tides BUT I do know when the tides are coming and I can prepare for those things well. I can put food in place for this time, conversations in place for this time and things to make my life easier and ways to help me win. I am not broken despite feeling broken at times. I’m not unlovable just because I feel that way at times. I’m not an imposition just because I feel that way at times. I’m whole, complete, and fully capable of loving and being loved. I am a fierce advocate for my life, my joy, my happiness, and living a life of honesty and integrity. I have to remember to let people overstand me, overstand why I make the choices I make, or saying the things I’m saying because it helps things go smoother. I have to treat myself gently even when it’s hard or I can communicate to my people and ask them for gentle and light communication and remind me not to be so heavy because it will pass. I am a constant work in progress and I’m learning to put checks in place so that I don’t swim so far into the deep end that I never find my way back. I am okay, I am extraordinary, I am loved, I am loving despite the fact that I struggle, have meltdowns and breakdowns. I am entitled to have bad days and that doesn’t mean I have a bad life. I can have struggles and my people still love me and have my back through my struggles because I am worth it. I am worth the patience, the kindness, the softness and the gentleness. I have to remember that for myself and I need to be reminded too. Life isn’t easy nor is it fair but I can do my part in making sure I let myself win. I deserve that.

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