My Past Isn’t Happening Now

On October 2nd, a young person who I used to babysit for wayyyyy back in the day committed suicide. He was 22 years old. I haven’t spoken to anyone but my mom about it, because she worked with the family too, and she was the one who told me about it. I don’t think I can even begin to talk about it because it is devastating on so many levels and I think I have been suppressing it, and it’s starting to bubble and fester like a nasty wound. I think… but I’m not sure. I have so many thoughts, feelings and emotions running through my mind and my body and sometimes I cannot compartmentalize all of them, but I do try. I am going to attempt to make sense of what’s happening in my mind through writing these words.

Silence. There’s two types of silence for me; constructive silence and malicious silence. I grew up with malicious silence. What’s that mean? It was prefaced by hurtful, vicious and soul breaking words and then a cold, shut out, don’t speak to me, you are invisible silence. That occurred for years and because this person was my primary care giver, I couldn’t turn anywhere for help and I was shut down when I tried to understand or make amends. There was no way to make amends. There was no way to make it better, and I tried everything but none of it mattered. It was tough to manage. Now, I didn’t know that constructive silence existed, but I learned quickly and that type of silence is actually refreshing and I like it a bunch. That type of silence is prefaced by an explanation, and at least I know it will end at some point and it’s also not about me and even if it is, at least I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel. But prior to knowing about constructive silence, i just thought it was malicious silence and I reacted as such. I would shut down, step way back, lean out and remove myself from the situation because the trigger of the malicious silence was too much for me. I could have been that kid who committed suicide because that type of silence used to destroy my mind and my emotions. Now, as I’m keenly aware of myself and my emotions, I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF THAT TODAY IS A NEW DAY! Malicious silence is the result of someone who is not aware of themselves AND it IS IN THE PAST and it’s not occurring now. That thought process saves me from going off the deep end and taking someone’s silence or need for space as an attack on my person. But, it takes work to remember that and I am really fucking proud of myself for slaying and defeating my demons because they are so much a part of my day to day. But, I slay. Fuck all that noise.

“You’re always ready to let me go.” Yikes! The irony of those words is that it’s the opposite of what I want. But, the universe fulfills on your loudest thought. Sometimes my loudest thought is “This isn’t real and it can’t be this good.” Self sabotage is so fun. It’s the best thing I could do for myself 🙄. Lmao. I literally have to step back and laugh at myself because I give so much good advice that I don’t take…annoying. You know what it is? I have to be present, and thankful and gracious for THIS MOMENT. The thought about this specific thing is two fold though; I practice non attachment: Enjoy this moment because tomorrow isn’t promised. Enjoy today fully and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Second thought is that, the one I love now, is not responsible for assuring me that he is going to stay. That specific feeling is me responding to the little girl in me AND that’s for ME to resolve. He’s not responsible for the child in me and reassuring her that he’s consistent and constant. Nah man. He is responsible for being the best him for him, the way that I am. I want him to stay, and honestly, there’s no guarantee anyone will stay BUT I also won’t make a path for him to leave because of my past hang ups. All I can say is that through working on myself, being honest with myself, being brave and honest, that’s the access to having him overstand ME. Overstanding me and the work in progress that is ME is all I can do. Insecurities and personal struggles are a part of ME but the other side is the fighter, the person who works on healing, works on being present and works on accessing my higher self every day. I’m a tender, soft, sensitive and very open person. That brings a lot of words, a lot of reflection, a lot of thinking and truth telling. I am fierce and I am flawed. I am brave and yet I feel fear. BUT my LOVE for my well being, my joy and my peace will outweigh my fear any and everyday. I just need time to think sometimes.

I’m in a weird place with work. I hate it. I have a block when it comes to work and finding the right fit. I do think though that I haven’t really taken the time to flesh out my thoughts and my goals. It’s in my brain but it’s not really in a way that’s tangible. I think that I have to write down what my goals are and figure out ways to align my personal ethics with a work ethic that makes sense, financially abundant and won’t make me wanna dig out my eyeballs with a rusty fork. Lmao. But I believe I’m on the right path, it’s just taking way longer than I needed it to and that drives me crazy. But alas, the patience of the day to day and what I do with my time will determine everything. It’s like I’m in avoidance of my success and I need to not do that. It’s frustrating and I want to scream but I literally know what to do. Yet, I don’t do it I can’t stand this about myself sometimes. I’ll do it though. I promise. I promise myself that I will.

Back to how this started. This young man dying hurt my heart. His mom found him, and had to cut him down from the noose. 😭😭😭. I don’t wish that upon anyone. I haven’t spoken to her. I don’t know what to say. But I’m going to write her a letter because my written word is far more evolved than when I speak. I don’t why but especially for something like this, omg…the pain she must be in is devastating. He was such a beautiful soul, like one of the most beautiful ones I’d ever met and he was in so much pain that he had to leave. I get it. I’ve been there but I didn’t make an attempt. But I been there. I just think that if I lived in my past and allowed my demons to defeat me, I too would kill myself. But I am healthy enough to know that the past and even current bad moments do not make for a bad life. I know that not everyone has that resilience and honestly it hurts to know that people around me could be hurting that badly. But in the end we cannot live anyone’s life for them and despite words of support and encouragement, if it it’s written, then it is written and their time on earth is over. I look at it this way as my way to process and make sense of something seemingly selfless. But when the pain takes you, and you are drowning, sometimes letting go is the only thing that feels good. Beyond good, it makes you feel free and if it’s freedom you seek, then…suicide seems like the only answer. Tough.

I’m resilient as shit. I’m tough and yet I am so tender. I believe that I have to take people at their word and watch their actions closely. I believe that I am someone who is lovable and despite that, some people will still not love me. I believe that I am worthy and deserving of the best kind of love that this world has to offer and I will get it through myself and those who take the time who get to know me. I am a gift, like the present is a gift, like you are a gift and we all deserve a beautiful life. I can only assess, analyze and improve myself. I’ve been more self introspective than I’ve ever been and more and more I keep loving myself deeper. The deeper I love myself is the more I heal myself. I take less offense when I’m told a constructive truth and I allow people to be themselves without making it mean something about me. It takes work, it takes effort, it takes digging and it takes patience with myself. Loving ME is the best gift I can give to myself, and that leaves room for others to do the same. Take me as I am.

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