As I am writing this, my ass is kinda lost and I don’t have a map, but there’s a destination that I am hoping that I can find but I don’t know how to begin to get there. But, it is okay. The Alchemist told me some weeks ago that he worries about me overwhelming myself and stressing myself out. He told me that sometimes I have to just allow life to flow without trying to manage all of the thoughts and feelings that are coming out of my mind. Huh! You mean to tell me that I don’t have to worry about any of the things that I am worried about because worrying won’t get me to the answer? Being lost in a sea of not knowing isn’t something I should be freaked out by? It’s okay to not know and I can really just be present to what I do have BUT create a plan so I can take some next steps without short circuiting and going bonkers? I can be the space for peace and ease to flow? EVEN WHEN I FEEL LOST? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit…..sign me the fuck up.
When I lose sleep over something I have no control over, I feel so shitty. I love sleep, it’s fun, it’s relaxing and when I have good sleep I get clarity about a ton of things I needed answered. I think a lot about being lost sometimes, is when I don’t acknowledge what I need. I’m bold to a point and I’m bolder in my mind but sometimes I’m less bold in real life. I tend to want to keep the peace, not rock the boat and go along with the flow but sometimes I do that so I don’t have to speak up. Sometimes I want to speak up but I don’t because of fear of not knowing what will happen. But I think that attributes to me being lost. I missed out on opportunities to have my voice heard, and my perspective shared, so I allowed the situation to go a way that I didn’t want but I adapt to the scenario and work from that. But what would happen if I spoke up for myself? What would it have been like if I allowed myself to be bold and brave and not scared of what could happen? Sometimes I back down because I don’t want to be seen as the angry black girl. I don’t want to be too loud or cause a scene because I want to maintain my zen. However even in my zen, I know how to speak to people in a way that it connects without it being confrontational. I can read body language well and I know how to connect so that people can HEAR me and while most situations are not worth it, I believe that I HAVE A DUTY to push the issue when I feel the need to. I owe it to myself to speak up for myself because it’s what I need sometimes.
A big thing for me is alone time. I need the space to just be alone. I don’t necessarily need silence per say but sometimes I just don’t want to be with others. I just want to be by myself so that I can think, watch my show, read, and sometimes do nothing at all. That frame of mind for me can last for weeks at a time and it doesn’t mean that something is wrong but I just need to incubate at times. It’s especially difficult when you’re friends with extroverts who get their energy from talking. Oh my god!!!! There’s no nightmare more hellish than talking on the phone when I absolutely do not want to. Or having interactions with others when all I want is to be left alone. Extroverted people gain their energy from company and for me a very big time introvert I get my energy from being by myself. It works when it works but when it doesn’t work it’s horrendous and sometimes people want to you to be who they want you to be and I just can’t. I think this is one of those times where I can say that I’m just taking some time and I’ll reach out when I’m ready but I love you. That’s really it. I love you and I love myself. But I think a part of finding my own way is when I say what the truth is for me and take the steps needed to be in my own safety zone. I need it sometimes.
I think that I have learned to adapt in ways that were not always acceptable for me. I find my way to comfort in hard situations and I make it work. I don’t think that’s a bad thing but I think I just need to make sure I have a way to release the discomfort or any added pains because it’s not for me to keep. There’s no need to traumatize myself over and over again because nothing is being learned from that. It’s important for me to learn how to leave situations that don’t serve me, speak up when I have to and just be honest with myself about what feels right! Sometimes something feels good but it may not feel right AND that is a distinction that will help me find my true north and not get stuck wandering in the desert of my mind. Finding yourself is a gift but sometimes getting there means facing all of the things that have been holding you hostage. Truly most of the things that hinder me are my thoughts about situations. I have to free myself and get clear with myself about what I NEED and WANT. I have to be honest about my inauthenticity and the lies I tell myself in order to not do the work I’m supposed to be doing. It ain’t an easy thing. Nope. It’s not easy to just get unstuck but then again, it can be if that’s what you want. I want to be at peace and to live a life that I am proud of and not because of things that I’ve acquired but the opportunity to speak my whole truth. I want my calm on the outside to match the calm on my inside. I want to be in alignment with myself everywhere and not adjust my truth depending on who I’m with. I am a woman full of love, abundance, light, patience and absolute joy and I fall, I stumble and I lose my way sometimes but I’m never lost. It is all a part of my journey and as you and I both know, it has all been written.
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