He/She/They has told you that they do not desire a relationship at this time. You hear that as your cue to wait for them to be ready and to desire you. You do things like sacrifice your joy, your peace of mind, other love interests and your personal dignity BECAUSE you absolutely want to be in a relationship with someone who DOES NOT DESIRE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP AT THIS TIME. You give your best self to these people in hopes that they will see your dedication and commitment to them but honestly, they mostly see their dedication and commitment to themselves and either you’ll be a distraction or a convenience and they will use you accordingly. You’ll be stiff armed and put on a shelf until THEY are ready to give you scraps of affection and attention in ways that do not honor you in any way BUT you accept that shit because you want their love and validation. Their mantra hasn’t changed but on occasion they have sex with you and you spend time together in ways that feel nice on the surface but once they get their fill, they go back to their focus. They continuously go back to what they are doing instead of being in a relationship with YOU. What do you do? Wait around. Your focus is on winning their approval by being accommodating, available, and there to return every text, receive every call, there as their counselor, chef, sounding board, sex buddy AND STILL not a partner in a relationship. What have you done for yourself in this time frame? Do you have an answer?
I’ve been that person in the above paragraph. I’d been a good woman to a man who asked me for nothing, gave me honest answers and was clear about not wanting a girlfriend. Whether or not he wasn’t that into me is irrelevant BECAUSE whatever the reason, there was going to be no relationship. I afforded these men girlfriend privileges on a friends with benefits trade off. I sold out on myself BECAUSE I had to prove I was worth it to them, so maybe somehow they would get over their need to be alone and choose ME because I was being amazing. I literally convinced myself that I was going to be a good support system and there for these men because they needed a ride or die and I was going to be that whether they asked for it or not. But what was happening was ME giving my light, my energy, my time and my goodness to someone who would take it but offer nothing in return. They basked in my light and reaped all of the benefits of being loved without having to do any of the loving. They did that with MY permission. I allowed it. I let it continue. I was left drained, disappointed, tired, depleted AND still with no partnership BECAUSE these dudes honored their commitment to themselves and I foolishly gave my goods away and didn’t honor my commitment to myself at all. Ouch!!!
I’m tempted to cringe as I write this and reflect on who I’ve let myself be in the past. I lived in a fantasy world where I would be loved because I was so amazing. But now I AM loved because I am all of those things I’ve described BUT I’m learning to honor what people say their looking for AND honor myself in my choice to step back from men who are not ready. When someone says they don’t want a relationship or they aren’t ready for a relationship, believe them. They tell you in the beginning because that’s the best time to tell someone because there’s nothing to lose and no invested feelings are at stake. However, sometimes human beings tend to act according to what their genitalia says and not focused on what the logical and analytical parts of themselves know to be true. Having sex with someone that you like a lot, spending time with them, building with them while you absolutely do not want a relationship is like two freight trains headed for a head on collision. It’s only a matter of time before the reasons why you don’t want a relationship bubble to the surface and spill over in the fantasy of playing house. If the agreement made within yourself is not fulfilled and derails because there’s comfort in another BUT you’ve neglected your personal work, you will crash and burn. There are no winners in that scenario. Two lives will have been on a collision course the moment you both allowed the comfort of another to outweigh the integrity you have with yourself, it will become messy and end poorly for both parties. Love yourself enough to stick to your agreement with yourself.
While there are probably exceptions to this rule, it’s almost impossible to go backwards after a sexual and somewhat emotional connection has been established. Actually? What usually happens is one day, the person who doesn’t want a relationship becomes so confronted and overwhelmed that they start to pull away and put an arms length between them and their person of time occupation. The feelings of being trapped will creep up and if they aren’t one for managing a hard conversation, some ghosting WILL HAPPEN. The only reason you need to know about what happened, is that it happened because it was inevitable. You were on borrowed time from the beginning. The authenticity of your relationship is questionable because one person went along with their desires and the other person went along with theirs, all the while neglecting the biggest and most in your face truth; THEY DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! The mess that follows is a slippery slope BECAUSE on one hand the person who doesn’t want a relationship always has that to fall back on and not take responsibility. The other person is aware of that initial statement and can’t really argue with a statement that was made in the beginning. But life is not so black or white, especially when human emotions are involved.
A person who falls in love with another while they don’t want a relationship is a a conflicted person. But there are ways to handle a situation like this, with honor and with respect. I can certainly acknowledge that people can meet their life partners at the wrong time. If you’ve read The Alchemist you know that Santiago meets Fatima who is absolutely the one he wants BUT he has a personal duty to fulfill. Santiago at one point feels like he will never in his life meet a woman who he loves and moves his soul like her again, so he offers to stay and build a life with her. However, Fatima who loves Santiago just as much as he loves her, knows it would dishonorable of her to make him stay. She knows his mission and his commitment to himself will eventually outweigh his love for her. She can foresee the resentment, the desire, the wanderlust, the huge part of him that he would be giving up if he were to stay with her JUST for love. She understood that to love Santiago means to set him free and true love will return when it is time. I say all of this say, step out of the way when you meet someone who says they don’t want a relationship. Step out of the way for them BUT step into the focus for you, for your life, and focus on your self work. When you are connected to someone, the universe will bring you back together when the timing is right. Right person, right time and that’s a narrative that’s possible if you stay on your journey to self discovery, self actualization, self care and personal integrity. I get it, we all want to control and capture this perfect person and sometimes we do things that mess with the integrity and trajectory of our lives. We sell out on a higher purpose for pleasure BUT the universe will constantly send us painful lessons over and over again until we finally learn that the only path to finding love is going through the desert of life to find ourselves. If your mind isn’t at peace, it will show up in your heart and your soul. Self love is the access and the key to finding the one that your soul truly loves.
The one who loves you will never allow you to be used by them or anyone. The one who loves you will be honest even when the conversation will be hard and there may be some tears and some crying but it will be for the greater good. The one who loves you will figure out what they need and will let you know. Someone who doesn’t care will simply continue to use you until they feel better and you’ll be of no use to them. Someone who loves you will set you free to honor yourself and to find someone who can give you what they know they cannot. Someone who loves you will take your friendship over no relationship with you at all. Someone who loves you will respect you enough to tell you the truth, no matter how difficult and hard it is. Someone who loves you will honor your mind, and your body and will stop having sex with you because they know it’s the right thing to do. Someone who loves you will be gentle with you when you need it and firm when you need that too. Someone who loves you wants you to be happy even if that means you won’t be with them. Someone who loves you sets you free and steps out of your way so you can focus on your mission for yourself. Loving yourself allows someone else to love you enough to be straight. Deluding yourself by living in a fantasy will hurt more than a blunt truth in the long run. Have you met the one that your soul loves? Fantastic. If it’s real then you’ll be reunited when it is time. If not then you won’t. Why? It is all written.