Appreciate Right Now

I find it incredibly easy to focus on the finish line and live in that world. I relish in the possibilities, I see myself there and I feel hopeful, and I look forward to enjoying the final product. I have found myself here way more than I would ever like to admit AND that looking at the finish line has kept me stagnant in my present.  How could the prospect of something so beautiful keep me stuck? I had to start paying attention to my thoughts about my finish line, and what energy I was focusing towards getting there. I was in love with the idea of what could be, but I was not doing the work required. I was living in the fantasy of what could be, instead of planning and working towards the steps to make the vision show up tangibly. I went to sleep warmed and comforted by what my future held in store for me. The happiest version of my self would talk to me sweetly in my dreams. I had accomplished all that I wanted to, and that made my sleep long, peaceful and comfortable.

Waking life hits you like a a garbage truck armed with the pointiest, and sharpest spear and in addition to being impaled, all of the slimy, oozing, putrid garbage slowly falls all over your body and coats you from head to toe. Not only are you covered in stench but you are also bleeding to death slowly. *cue dramatic music*. Alright, maybe waking life isn’t quite that bad but it can feel that way once you realize the sheer magnitude of what’s needed in order to make your dreams align with your present. I can focus once I have a step by step plan, and force myself to be present moment by moment in order to arrive at the finish line. Ironically, I am a professional at helping other people arrive at their finish line. I can listen, assess, and prescribe the necessary steps for them to make a significant dent in their progress. I am awful at doing this for myself.  I have historically been negligent about my focus. However, I am at a point in my life where it is no longer workable, acceptable nor comfortable. My sleep is choppy, my thoughts about my future are no longer comfortable and I am unwilling to continue being stuck because of my own lack of discipline.

I am thankful for the lessons I have learned while figuring my life out. At times I am tempted to compare myself to others as a gauge of where I should be. There are other times when comparison makes me feel better about myself. Both of those thoughts do absolutely nothing for my present. At this present moment, I am clear on what my steps are because I had to be honest about what was missing. I had to face myself, but also that means coming up with a daily plan of what I needed to do in order to hit my goals. I know the finish line is the ultimate goal, yes but there are probably 100 smaller goals I need to hit before I could get to the finish line. The other thing I have to be aware of, is the fact that a setback in a particular instance does not mean a setback for my whole life. At times I take setbacks as a step back and I get stuck there. I ease myself, and comfort myself to my own detriment. I have lacked the integrity and the drive to achieve my finish line. I am aware and I am no longer willing to do that. Would I rather watch Netflix and eat popcorn? Kinda. But I also would much rather do that when I am truly in a space where I could afford to do so.

I am thankful for my present and the reality that comes with it. I am grateful for my inner voice that tells me to wake up and push past this place. I am thankful for these moments where I have sleepless nights because I can wake up and put that energy towards progress. I am thankful for discomfort because it lights a fire in my ass and gets me up to level up. I am thankful for negative, derogatory and hurtful comments because sometimes there is truth in there and if it stings, it means there is something that I have to transform. This work, and elevation is for me no matter who has anything to say about it. I believe that all of these little things are the moments that are needed to reach my finish line. I appreciate this space, this moment, this opportunity right now to be thankful for all I have learned so far. It is time for the next chapter.


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