The Pain Will Not Kill Me

There is no one on this earth that will make me hurt so much that I will die. I will NEVER allow myself to be so broken that death will cross my mind. I could imagine the pain I could feel if something happened to my child…that is probably the closest to dying I would feel. However, outside of that, I am not going to ever allow another human being who bleeds like me, hurts like me and could die like me, make me feel like my life is not worth living. I think that in the past I have given my power away to others because I was not ready to be responsible for my feelings. It is easy as hell to be a powerless victim, and feel like life is totally unfair and then do nothing about it. I can effectively see where I have not been in integrity with myself and chose to do the easy thing instead of doing and saying what would give me optimal freedom.

I think at times I have given myself way more credit about my goodness, than paying attention to the ways in which I should improve myself. It is easy to acknowledge an asshole when they are so blatantly awful BUT it is less easy to face the ways in which I allowed the behavior to continue. Or, even deeper, it is even harder to admit to self-sabotage, selling out on hard work for instant pleasure, and doing shit I have no business doing. I will say that I needed to learn these lessons in prolonged self-prescribed suffering, victim mentality and stress because I had to wear myself out. I had to allow the room to let myself marinate in grief and my own toxicity and BULLSHIT because that was my lesson I had to overcome. I was going to keep suffering and feeling unimaginable pain BECAUSE I was actively choosing to be there. I was choosing to allow pain to keep me comfortable and in the same cycle. It was a choice. I know now, and I am choosing something else.

I have often heard that the things that annoy you about other people are the things in you that are annoying too. Shhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiit let me tell ya’ll how I cannot stand a whining ass person. I have no patience for people with no grit and no balls to get themselves out of vicious cycles. TUH…..well hello kettle….hey pot…Me talking to me. Just because I do not actually whine, I focus on my own vicious cycles WITHOUT  doing the work to move out of the cycle. I was comfortable with my demons, and the things that made me sad. Those tears and the words from that narrative kept me nice and safe, and comfortable…and STUCK in a hole I outgrew. I am ready to be better than that now. It is no longer working. The pain is no longer about what has been done to me. The plan now is paying attention to what I now need to do to elevate, rise, and get to my next lesson. I am over this narrative.

What’s next then? Speaking up. Saying exactly what is on my mind. Instead of leading with sorry, I am going to assert my right as a person with feelings to say what’s so for ME, without giving folks a pass. I could have saved a lot of friendships if I had been straight about my thoughts instead of staying silent or saying the easy thing. A part of speaking up is also telling people goodbye. I do not need to make room for every failed ass relationship or friendship in my life. I believe in building bridges but you know what? Some bridges need to be burned and mother fuckers need to choke on those damn ashes. Doors get closed and they need to stay closed, that is a valuable lesson I have got to hold on to. My friend told me “Let your garden weed itself.” I love that saying so much, I may get it tattooed. SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!!! That means that when people leave, let the motherfuckers go. If a situation is one-sided, and I am too tired or working too hard, I gotta let my garden weed itself. Friendships, relationships, and all connection require work from two people. I will NOT be the person bridging gaps, and leaning in anymore, because I do not believe that serves me. What is for me, will never pass me and that’s that. I am over painful thoughts of my past. That cycle is done. I am ready for what’s next. Level up.

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