How can I expect anyone to honor their word to me if I’m not going to honor my word to myself? Focusing on my commitment to others before I focus on me is a sure way to burnout and encourage others to take more than I have to give It’s a side effect of people pleasing where prioritizing others feels like the better thing to do, but truly in my heart I know it’s not. I remember in my early 20s when I was dating this guy and the relationship was rocky at best, I still wanted to please him. We took a break and during that break I found myself committed to a fitness class. I loved that class, and in addition to losing a ton of weight, I also learned how workout and eat better. I was consistently going to this class every other day for 2 or 3 months and the moment I got that first “How are you?” text, my focus shifted to him instead of staying focused on my goals. The very reason we took a break was the same thing that continued to happen. Nothing had changed AND I gave up on my fitness goals and the chance to be accountable to myself. I sold out on myself because I believed his attention was more important than my wellness. I wanted him to know I was thinking of him, so I was going to be readily available and accessible to him. Ugh. The fuck was I doing?????
Here we are in 2019 and what have I learned in the last decade or so about accountability? I know that nothing works without integrity. Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. The funny thing is that I AM looking, and I’ve watched myself do dumb shit with a trade off that wasn’t even a trade off. I’ve sabotaged myself for foolish things because of wanting immediate results. I traded off peace of mind and my personal journey to accompany people on their personal ascent, only to be on the receiving end of their heavy ass baggage. I took on the role of advisor, grief counselor and support system to people who had nothing to give but I had to prove I was supportive and encouraging. However, I was neglecting my fitness goals, personal goals, writing goals, I mean…I was just a hot mess in my life while giving energy I didn’t truly have. I had zero accountability and I wasn’t allowing anyone to get close enough to me to hold me accountable. I was creating a force field around myself because I wasn’t ready to do my work, I guess. It has always been easier to tell others what’s wrong instead of me focusing on what I need to fix for myself.
I couldn’t grow if I wasn’t able to look back and see where I’ve blundered and sold out on myself. The need for acceptance from others really impacted my ways of being and my view of myself. I’m learning how it’s very critical to create boundaries for myself so I can learn what I need to elevate and be accountable to my goals and my aspirations. Carving out time everyday to write, practice mindfulness and make time for me has helped me get clear on what I’m looking to achieve. Being in the practice of self care also helps me to teach others how to treat me and be with me. I will not allow myself to be accessible to anyone all hours of the day and night. I will not give my energy to people who cannot reciprocate for any reason because it’s not beneficial. I am also learning to honor closed doors. Energy being spent on begging people to stay in my life is wasted energy. I also refuse to give energy to those who previously walked away without explaining themselves. I know that everyone has their walk and their things that they go through, and so do I. If you want to be in my life after you’ve left, you have to earn that space again but I’m not convinced that I have enough energy to entertain that. Being accountable to myself is asking myself one simple question “Is this elevation or repetition?”
I will never stop learning myself because it’s dangerous to do so. The things that I was absolutely sure about a decade ago, I laugh at today. My personal ethics and politics have evolved and even some controversial topics that I was hell bent on committing to back then, are not the same right now. I am convinced that I needed to get through these times to get to where I am right now. This road of life is a constant test of evolve or repeat and we are the ones in control. There isn’t a person on this planet that could help or stop me from elevating without me allowing that to happen. I know more than ever that this journey is mine alone. All of these lessons that I’ve learned and will continue to learn are for me to elevate and be better than who I was yesterday. Why is elevation even necessary though? I’m sure the answer to that is different for everyone but for me, it’s really about love. Once I can love myself so much, I can love humanity so much. I don’t think there’s an act greater than love for self. Self love is the access to bringing more light and life to the world. Love is the access to the highest form of elevation and I just think if you don’t have love, then what is the point? Self love makes seeking agreement from the outside dissipate. When I create a healthy love for myself from within, it gives me the room to make room for others to come in and allow them to go freely when the time has run out. My journey to elevation is my access to self love, and there is nothing more important than that.