I am a sum total of everything I’ve gone through. I am empathetic because I’ve been through some dark times that required emotional heavy lifting to get through. I know what it’s like to have everything I could ever desire and live in the moment of absolute contentment. I have been consistently working on breaking my vicious cycles and healing my karmic trauma. I am aware, present and conscious of my thoughts, words and deeds. The smile I wear now is reflective of the inner work I’ve been doing and it shows. I glow, I shine and my light is bright because it’s shining through all of the places I was cracked wide open. Each breakdown of joy made room to learn a lesson and create room for evolution. The woman that you know today has been through some things, and I am equal parts light and dark.
I have found through dating, observing behavior and talking to my peers; people have a hard time loving someone in totality. We live in an instant gratification world and the wave has people enjoying short term fun but bowing out when the going gets tough. I’ve found myself being on both sides of the instant gratification world. I’ve been enjoyed for my fun and ease but then when I became a person who required comfort during dark days, the enthusiasm faded. I have also gotten caught up in enjoying the idea of someone, but when the everyday life and the totality of him revealed itself, I was no longer interested.
There is nothing wrong with being honest about intentions, especially if the intention is to date casually. Things become messy when someone indicates that they want to date seriously, but back off when they are met with the intensity of another person’s life. It is convenient to be enamored by a handsome face, a sexy body and a chill personality. My mistake in the past has been committing to being with someone without first really knowing what I was getting into. I can safely say that’s been the same for others regarding me too. What’s it take to love someone fully? Time. When I find myself wanting to be with someone days after meeting them, I immediately don’t trust my gut. I know for sure, it’s the idea of them because I don’t know enough to love them in totality. Knowing that makes me immediately distrust anyone who declares love without knowing ALL of me.
It’s important to ask questions when getting to know someone and it’s equally important to allow time to reveal what words cannot convey. Time allows me, and the other person an opportunity to rise in love. It gives us the space to observe and choose to walk with each other after a certain amount of time has passed. This is a breakthrough for me because I used to rely solely on my feelings when it came to relationships. I will never let go of what my gut is telling me, but I’m also going to put some logic and common sense in play in order to have some balance.
Loving me means getting to know ALL of me and ACCEPTING ALL of me. That is what love is. It’s loving me when I’m stubborn, unsure, scared, ornery and being challenging. I am not just my light. No one is. I have to remember this when I’m choosing a partner. Like all people, sometimes I’m blinded by what I want to see, and I don’t always want to see the rest. But that isn’t fair to anyone. To love someone is to love them fully, without restrictions or constraints. We all deserve bold, audacious and delicious love but it comes attached to a real person. Real people aren’t always deliciously delightful. Sometimes things are messy, ugly and gross. Love extends to that too. Are you able to love fully?