The past few days have been emotional as hell for me. I finally downloaded Hulu and I’m knee deep in This Is Us. Ummmmm first of all, some of y’all told me, but Y’all ain’t prepare for the realness and heaviness of that damn show. I am in my feelings, Mercury is in Retrograde and all these past people and feelings keep ringing my emotional doorbell. Ugggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Stop it.
Let me tell y’all that’s happening. So, I miss The Alchemist….a ton. Like I miss his essence and his presence in my life. I miss hearing his voice, I miss how he listened and then offered his wisdom succinctly and with light humor. I miss making plans to see him and being excited about those plans. The things we did in our moments of adventure were the moments I found boundless joy. I miss the moments of quiet and the days (like today) when I felt the heaviness of my emotions, he was there. I miss my person. He was my person. We talk via email because we need this break and this time apart, it ha for the best but it hurts. I don’t like it. I think I miss partnership. Period.
Submissions, rejections and finding a happy medium. Writing is a blissful thing, people reading my writing. Is a blissful thing but rejections still hurt. Big Hurt, or small hurt, it’s all the same feeling of inadequacy. Whether it’s true or not, hurt feelings are super real and the more I submit is the more I open myself to being rejected. It’s a part of the game. Any writer knows this. The high of acceptance is matched with the low of a rejection. It’s a part of the process.
The thing that has me most raw is an interaction with a person and their establishment which really left a bad taste in my mouth. I communicated a desire to connect and converse, which was met dismissively and with no thought. I reached out again and was met with silence. I was under the impression we had established a communication flow, respect, and a rapport. Based on how these people treated me, I’m seeing this is not true. It hurts. I don’t like feeling as though my contribution, my voice, and my presence was disposable. It doesn’t feel good and I’m incredibly disappointed.
Am I doing all I possibly can to maximize on this awesome time I have on my hands? I’d like to believe so. I give every day my best. But you know what? Some days are just fucking hard. There are no affirmations or pep talks or anything but time to make the feelings ease up. The only way out of through. I’m also not about to fake it for myself. I’m fucking sad, I don’t like talking about it too much because it gives sadness too much life. I just need a hug from the people I want a hug from. I don’t need like long sessions of talking shit through. I just want to feel these feelings and be with them. I had to write that shit out though because it was like I was making myself wrong for feeling like I do sometimes. I have these pockets of sadness and they are sometimes made worse by these emotional ass shows I torture myself with. I get it. Haha. I’m okay. I promise. I feel a lot better now that I’ve written this out.
Raw Mother Funking Emotions, Y’all!