Zen, Om, sage, palo santo, meditation, yoga, Namaste to the whole world. That’s my vibe on a regular day. I believe in radiating love, light, joy, and positivity in this world. There was a time when my thoughts and emotions were chaotic and transfixed on all the shit I couldn’t change, but as I matured my focus was about transforming my mind. My friend said to me recently that once your mind expands, it cannot snap back and that is the definition of transformation. The moment I chose to work on myself, and really love myself is when I began to see my light in others. During and after yoga I would often feel tears flowing down my face because the stuck energy was flowing out of my body and the blockages dissipated and the agony I was putting myself through also began to die. I discovered that this beautiful light and love raging inside of me is the same life force that’s in the universe. The power of love.
A huge part of loving yourself means standing up for yourself and that means speaking up when you’re being disrespected or simply communicating your honest thoughts. I learned to be silent about injustices happening to me from my mother because she believed that things would blow over and all would be well. Things seldom blew over, time may pass but the whirlwind of emotions that occur when my voice was muted resonates to this day. Very few people spoke up for me and as I reflect now, it’s because I didn’t speak up for myself. It became a practice for me to mute, censor and silence myself even when things felt excruciatingly painful. I swallowed a copious amount of negativity and shade sent my way because I didn’t want to ruffle feathers or create a space of confrontation. Instead, I would calmly allow someone to project whatever they had on to me, and my reactions occurred privately. I would breakdown in the privacy of my own home and if someone were home, I’d breakdown in the bathroom with the shower running because I wanted to drown out the sound of my pain so no one would get the opportunity to tell me that my pain wasn’t valid.
Fast forward to today, I did find my voice in my yoga practice, affirmations, writing truthfully and most importantly, verbalizing my truth and hurt in real time. I learned that self-love isn’t all peaches and cream and just because I was about that yoga life, it didn’t mean I couldn’t also tell a motherfucker that’s they have the wrong one. I wasn’t about to surrender my self-advocacy to prove that nothing bothered me. In fact, the advocacy IS to speak up when bothered and if it’s not understood when I say it tactfully, then I’ll just have to bring out my inner goon and let motherfuckers know that my personal peace trumps whatever the fuck they think of me. Yes, Namaste, the light in me sees the light in you, but nammafuckyouup, the goon in me sees the shade in you. Do not fuck with me. Come to me respectfully, and I promise I will absolutely do the same. However I will not be muted, silenced or looked over because that’s what someone believes I deserve. I’m going to speak up for myself and that’s just that.