I couldn’t come up with a different title because my homegirl said it so accurately to her man when addressing his self deprecating behavior, it’s not cute when you do that she said, and I was like ooooooooo, it sure isn’t. I had to laugh because I was telling her that I wanted to use that line anytime I was playing myself or someone else was playing themselves by not being the best version of who I know we can be. Why do we act like selling out on ourselves is cute? Well, I don’t think anyone decides to derail themselves with the thought of it being cute, but we do kinda allow ourselves to get away with so much lack of accountability for many different reasons, and I think fear and perhaps laziness are at the top of the list. How can we take a more active role in honoring and living our best lives?
It’s important to me that I do what I set out to do with integrity. Honestly, though, I am totally in my own way and sometimes I allow myself to be derailed for so long that getting back on the horse seems impossible. But if I’m being honest, it comes down to time management, self-discipline and doing the shit I don’t want to do even when I don’t feel like doing it. I chose this life of writing and entrepreneurship, nobody told me to leave my job and create this world for myself but it was the best choice I could have made, yet why do I stay in long cycles of being in a rut at times? I honestly think it is me lacking discipline and being too comfortable with what I think is acceptable and even when I know it’s not, I don’t do anything to change my current situation. Self-sabotage much? I will literally toss and turn in bed knowing that I am fucking my shit up, and wake up and not make any progress the next day. It’s almost like paralysis, and when things are excellent and I’m in a groove, then I can go for days but then I hit a wall and I almost feel like I can’t do anything. What’s that about?
What is missing is following through with my plan. I always have a plan, I’m efficient, I have goals, and I really just need to stick to them because they lack integrity and the disappointment I have in myself really serves me no good, it’s not cute and I know better, therefore, I can do better. I just have to get out of my way and bring back my spotlight to my goals. The good part of all of this is that the same way it took a choice to hop off the horse and revel in my lack of motivation, is the same way I need to climb right back on and work diligently on the daily goals I’ve created. I am the only person in my way. There’s no one doing anything to me, holding me hostage or oppressing me. I have the power to be great, yet I hinder my own greatness by being an asshole to myself. Wack.
When I’m focusing on myself, I am able to discern who is around me way more clearly. My focus on me helps me navigate the friendships that I want and do not want in my life. If I don’t feel like I want to share what I’m up to the ppl I call friend, then maybe that person shouldn’t be in my life at all. We outgrow situations, places, and people and there are no hard feelings involved. Shit, we even outgrow our own bullshit when it stops serving us. There is no other way to look at this progression in life, we grow up and situations become unworkable and they have to end. Swap out situations for people. Why keep being friends with someone who is committed to a one-sided friendship? Why call ppl who don’t return calls? Why chase friendships? Nah. I am going to get myself to a place where I can say…oh yea…that’s cute and not keep being pissed at myself for being a sellout. I am going to stop sabotaging myself. Maybe you should too?