We spend our lives searching, hoping, craving the one who makes us feel alive, complete, happy and like we are the most special person on earth, sometimes it will take a while but when we do find them it feels like seventh heaven. I can tell you when I found the person with whom I shared a variety of things in common, plus he was deliciously handsome, it was proving to be difficult to spend time away from him because he made me feel like he could not only read my thoughts but also understand my thoughts and never judge me for them, no matter how quirky, weird or self-deprecating. I, in turn, became the person with whom he could share anything with, no judgment, we could disagree but it would be gentle, and so we knew we’d found a safe space to exist in a very cold world. Our bond deepened with each orgasm, tear shed, an anecdote about childhood told and yoga class taken, and it felt good to be enveloped and wrapped up in the arms, heart, and mind of someone who made a serious effort to be with me.
What could possibly go wrong with this scenario? We started the day texting, text throughout the day, spoke on the phone and saw each other 3-4 times a week. We would wake up in the middle of the night to text each other, if the texting wasn’t enough he would drive over to see me, touch my skin, kiss me. just be in my presence and I wouldn’t stop him, I never wanted him to stop because it felt good. The issue is that too much of a good thing is always a mess in the long run, and over-communication leads to an over-saturation of the things that should be dished out in moderation. Along the way of this very sweet relationship, I was beginning to feel like my days couldn’t possibly be as bright if we didn’t stick to the schedule and routine we created for ourselves. He craved to be next to me, near me and wasn’t willing to share me with anyone. We were becoming possessions of each other, not so much out of love but rather stemming from a fear of loss. We were filling the void where positive parental love should have been. He wanted me to nurture him and I wanted security and safety from him, and we found it, but we couldn’t sustain it because we did too much too soon.
The realization that a break was necessary was when he went out one night, whether innocent or not, it felt like a betrayal and truly like a dagger to my heart. It’s not so much the going out part as it was the fact that I figured he wanted something outside of me. The insecurity got the better of me, and I reached out to someone who I knew would be a distraction BUT the guilt ran through me like hot coffee in intestines and I talked to him about it, and it was the beginning of a conversation we’d been meaning to have and needed to have. I didn’t feel like I could be without him because when we were together I felt like I was really seen. He wanted me but he also wanted his freedom and that didn’t work for me at all. I wanted him to want me exclusively but there were parts of me that wanted to hold on to my outside distractions because I didn’t believe that I could be loved in my totality by him. Could we have gotten to that place? I do believe we could have in time BUT that wasn’t the time and we didn’t take the time to learn each other in the ways that really mattered, we missed the opportunities to work through how we would handle each other’s messy days, rough days and painful moments when the world felt like it was against us. The intensity of our connection was dope but only within a specific context. However in the grand scheme of things we rushed through our days, we missed critical moments where we should have pumped the breaks and when the going got tough, we buckled under the weight of expectations and insecurity.
The breakup was soul-crushing. I didn’t even understand what happened. I didn’t want to speak to him anymore, yet we did. I really wanted a break from talking to him for a long time but I was addicted to him, even when I wasn’t happy. I wanted so much for myself but I kept stopping and putting my healing on hold because I was in a holding pattern of hoping, wishing and fantasizing about things being different and yet they were not. It took us months to actually break up, and I finally had to buckle down and pull the plug for good because it felt like poison to my soul. Do I love this man? Oh, I surely do but I loved my sanity, well being and healing far more than him. He was a lesson in boundaries, speaking up when things are rough, no matter how small, and if we are meant to be then there is absolutely no reason to rush. I was acting as though the love would run out, and therefore I held on too tightly, too closely and I not only suffocated him, but I also cut myself off from flowing with ease and joy. I had a variety of feelings and I was not sure what to do with them.
It’s okay to be madly in love with the person you’re with. It’s okay to want to be with them, find joy, walk-in harmony BUT also do so in moderation. I was distressed a lot because while I enjoyed being with him, I didn’t know where I stopped and he began. I do not like that feeling. I want autonomy but I would also like a partnership where I can be myself without the obligation of having to do anything other than show up with my honesty and willingness to love authentically. I want to take my time to walk with someone on a journey where we learn each other while we are learning ourselves. My love for my growth has to be in tandem with his own love for his growth and wellness. I don’t have the answers to what the healthiest love looks like but I can say that the access to my heart is knowing and observing the healthy moves someone is making for themselves. I’ve been working far too hard to be thrown off course by a situation that overtakes all my thoughts. I don’t like that feeling and it is not sustainable. I can daydream and fantasize for a moment but I refuse to live there. My love has to be equal parts practical, fun and adventure and something in between. If our lives have to merge that our lines are camouflaged then I don’t want it. You be the best you, I’ll be the best me and we create something beautiful from there.
Raw Motherfunking Emotions 