Let Me Love (Control)You

Ahhhh there’s nothing more romantic oppressive than someone who says they love you but has many conditions attached to the love. Sometimes they love you if you behave a certain way, or they’ll love you if you hide your undesirable habits or they love you if you conform and this list can be as long as the month of January. What is it with loving people conditionally? What has genuinely good people turn into Disney villains when it comes to loving people as they are? This is applicable to parents as well, actually, that’s most likely the source of people’s addiction to control; how they were raised. Let’s take a dive into why we love people only as far as our comfort levels will allow.

I’m so fucking guilty of being a conditional lover. I loathe to admit it but I’ve been this way for a long time and I hadn’t recognized it, because that’s how I was raised. My mom would be pleased if I acted a certain way, did what she wanted, wore what she wanted and basically be the mold of what she would have liked. Well, FUCCCCCCCCK THAT wack ass shit. By default, I live for rebellion but I used to try really hard to be as obedient as she needed me to be so that she would love me and acknowledge me but what I began to realize was that nothing I did or could do would be satisfactory enough for her and she would still find fault in who I was. That reality helped me start doing what I wanted, but I had copious amounts of unlearning to do so that I could accept and love myself as I was. My narrative for the longest time was my mother’s voice, and even now I sometimes hesitate to make certain choices because I’m not sure if it’ll be seen as acceptable. It’s really tough undoing what was acceptable because for so long I thought that’s how I could find some validation in this world. However, once I really understood that my mother is miserable as fuck and her standards and control of the people around her stemmed from insecurity and anxiety, I really stopped putting a ton of weight on her validation.

How did this affect my relationships? Chile, let me tell you how I would swear that my love was the vastest and amazing love simply because I cared and would do whatever it took for the ones I loved IF they heeded my advice. How do they expect me to love them if they are being themselves and doing all the things that are contrary to my perfect belief system? How are they expecting me to love them when they are walking their own treacherous paths and doing what they think is acceptable when I’m giving them the obvious love answers right now? Foolish loved ones. I’m going to be mad at you for doing what you wanted, but not telling you that because you should just understand that I am smarter than you and therefore I obviously know way more about your path than you do. 🙄😒😐 WOW! I was a fucking nightmare and it was exhausting trying to fix shit all the time as opposed to allowing people to arrive at their own lessons ANNNNNNNNNND while I was out here trying to save mofos, I was not doing ANY self-work and I was completely fucking up my life by neglecting my wellbeing. None of this was about love, it was a deflection about my own lack of self-love, self-awareness, and my inability to focus on healing my own wounds. My wounds were bloody and bruised and I was bleeding over every relationship I had and I called it love. It was a lack of control and a lack of love, I see that now.

The ones we love will arrive at their lessons when it’s time to do so. Our ability to love someone as they directly stem from how we accept and love ourselves. The more work I do on myself is the more I am able to expand my understanding of what is love and what is control. The more I allow my child to be herself, listen to her realizations and love her despite my oppositions to her path of enlightenment, I can still listen and accept the path she’s choosing barring imminent death. We cannot control what the ones we love do and we shouldn’t because we don’t like it being done to us. Well, I don’t like it being done to me. I am a firm believer in getting burned in order to know that fire is hot and I have to respect whatever people believe for themselves. Love is accepting people where they are at even when their lessons are painful to watch. My path is mine alone and I don’t have to impose that on anyone else and vice versus. Love is freedom.

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