Complicit In My Own Suffering

The big picture is romantic. The everyday details are grueling. It’s the work of simultaneously building unshakable confidence and allowing myself to be vulnerable. It’s the day to day of interpersonal dynamics, making a choice to say “I need help.” , “You hurt my feelings.”, “I’m sorry and I want to talk this whole thing through.” Each time I skip over an opportunity to be vulnerable, I move further away from allowing people to learn my language. When I shy away from being honest about my hurt feelings because somewhere in my past someone taught me that my sharing didn’t actually matter. I allowed a rejection at some point to stop me from being open and I allow many opportunities to pass by because it’s simply easier than opening myself up.

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All or Nothing

My intention is to be a clearing for honesty, integrity and partnership at every level. Tangibly it looks like telling all parts of the raw truth. That looks like speaking up when I’m scared, speaking up when I’m sad, speaking up when I feel like things aren’t right and honoring the beauty of communication so things can be resolved through clarity and asking for answers. Integrity is about holding myself to what I’d say I’d do. It’s about loving myself enough to set the precedent on how I allow myself to be treated.

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Make Your Pain Work For You

Pain is the vehicle but fear is the driver and it can have us suffocate our wants, dreams, desires and hopes because we can’t bear to feel pain. We shrink ourselves behind our excuses of why we cannot rise above the remnants and leftovers of our past. We confine ourselves into the boxes of our mind and we often do not leave our small hiding places because we cannot bear the pain of the reality of failure. I get it.

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The Radical Act of Self Love

Joy and patience is having the courage to say the truth. The truth is while I enjoy his company and being wrapped up in his essence, I don’t like the feeling when we are apart. That indicates to me that our foundation is not strong and while it all feels delicious to the body, it is poison to the heart. There has to come a time where I prioritize my mental sanity over my physical satisfaction. Sex feels damn good with someone you really connect with but if there is a desire for more and more cannot be provided then that shit hurts like hell.

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Joy and Patience

I need to be cool about situations that I have no control over. The pondering, worrying, stressing is the opposite of what joy and patience could ever look like. Patience and joy would mean finding affirmative ways to manage my thoughts about the situations I am finding myself in. It would be me processing thoughts and emotions in a way that leaves me feeling powerful and not spiraling in a ball of crying emotions.

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