Complicit In My Own Suffering

The big picture is romantic. The everyday details are grueling. It’s the work of simultaneously building unshakable confidence and allowing myself to be vulnerable. It’s the day to day of interpersonal dynamics, making a choice to say “I need help.” , “You hurt my feelings.”, “I’m sorry and I want to talk this whole thing through.” Each time I skip over an opportunity to be vulnerable, I move further away from allowing people to learn my language. When I shy away from being honest about my hurt feelings because somewhere in my past someone taught me that my sharing didn’t actually matter. I allowed a rejection at some point to stop me from being open and I allow many opportunities to pass by because it’s simply easier than opening myself up.

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Let Me Love (Control)You

The ones we love will arrive at their lessons when it’s time to do so. Our ability to love someone as they directly stem from how we accept and love ourselves. The more work I do on myself is the more I am able to expand my understanding of what is love and what is control. The more I allow my child to be herself, listen to her realizations and love her despite my oppositions to her path of enlightenment, I can still listen and accept the path she’s choosing barring imminent death. We cannot control what the ones we love do and we shouldn’t because we don’t like it being done to us. Well, I don’t like it being done to me. I am a firm believer in getting burned in order to know that fire is hot and I have to respect whatever people believe for themselves.

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Stop Waiting Around To Be Loved and Validated

I afforded these men girlfriend privileges on a friends with benefits trade off. I sold out on myself BECAUSE I had to prove I was worth it to them, so maybe somehow they would get over their need to be alone and choose ME because I was being amazing. I literally convinced myself that I was going to be a good support system and there for these men because they needed a ride or die and I was going to be that whether they asked for it or not. But what was happening was ME giving my light, my energy, my time and my goodness to someone who would take it but offer nothing in return. They basked in my light and reaped all of the benefits of being loved without having to do any of the loving.

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What If…

But like what if he said he was getting a divorce? Or what if he said his marriage as loveless? What if he said that he wanted to live a life where he was happier? What if he said he was there just to be a good dad? I dunno. What if, right? There would be a moment where I would not know what to do with that information. I literally would just be silent. I can do better when he tells me things are good. Because I am just thinking about us because it is a new thought. It makes my heart race.

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All or Nothing

My intention is to be a clearing for honesty, integrity and partnership at every level. Tangibly it looks like telling all parts of the raw truth. That looks like speaking up when I’m scared, speaking up when I’m sad, speaking up when I feel like things aren’t right and honoring the beauty of communication so things can be resolved through clarity and asking for answers. Integrity is about holding myself to what I’d say I’d do. It’s about loving myself enough to set the precedent on how I allow myself to be treated.

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The Only Way Out Is Through

I don’t know what the outcome will be. But I’m going to take a bet and say that it will be one that will bring growth and learning. I am willing to bet on MYSELF and say that I’ll get what I deserve not because I want it BUT because it’s for me. I am going to get exactly what I’ve prayed for, worked towards and attract to me. I am going to get the joy and keep the joy. I’m going to get the adventure that I’ve been seeking and it’s going to be delicious. I stand in the space for my life to be grand and I stand in the space for clarity, commitment, abundance and possibilities. I stand in the space that is a clearing for the magic of life to rain down on me. Asé!


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Bust A Nut

I believe that intimacy has a lot to do with being self aware as well. It is knowing what you want, and being able to communicate that honestly and with an open heart and mind. Knowing yourself and having confidence can heighten an intimate experience. Why? I honestly think that the universe brings us who we need at the right time. I think that depending on what we have been praying for, asking God for, and putting our thoughts in, we will be given what we are vibrating. That is neither good nor bad, it is simply what we put out there.

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