Complicit In My Own Suffering

The big picture is romantic. The everyday details are grueling. It’s the work of simultaneously building unshakable confidence and allowing myself to be vulnerable. It’s the day to day of interpersonal dynamics, making a choice to say “I need help.” , “You hurt my feelings.”, “I’m sorry and I want to talk this whole thing through.” Each time I skip over an opportunity to be vulnerable, I move further away from allowing people to learn my language. When I shy away from being honest about my hurt feelings because somewhere in my past someone taught me that my sharing didn’t actually matter. I allowed a rejection at some point to stop me from being open and I allow many opportunities to pass by because it’s simply easier than opening myself up.

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The Danger of Codependency

I wanted so much for myself but I kept stopping and putting my healing on hold because I was in a holding pattern of hoping, wishing and fantasizing about things being different and yet they were not. It took us months to actually break up, and I finally had to buckle down and pull the plug for good because it felt like poison to my soul. Do I love this man? Oh I surely do but I loved my sanity, well being and healing far more than him.

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That’s Not Cute…

We outgrow situations, places, and people and there are no hard feelings involved. Shit, we even outgrow our own bullshit when it stops serving us. There is no other way to look at this progression in life, we grow up and situations become unworkable and they have to end. Swap out situations for people. Why keep being friends with someone who is committed to a one-sided friendship? Why call ppl who don’t return calls? Why chase friendships? Nah. I am going to get myself to a place where I can say…oh yea…that’s cute and not keep being pissed at myself for being a sellout. I am going to stop sabotaging myself. Maybe you should too?

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You’re Nice But…

I don’t like dealing with anyone who doesn’t have a trajectory for their life. Have zero interest in anyone who doesn’t have a passion in their life. I am not looking to merge my life with someone. I am interested in people who are interested in their activities and their passions. I want to be with someone who can talk about their life, and their day excitedly because they are building or have built something worth talking about. I refuse to be anyone’s sole reason to live because that’s a job I don’t want. I have no desire. You’re nice but are you up to anything? You’re nice but do you want to know ME?

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The Whole Universe Conspired…

I am currently stunned and in gratitude because I met a soul like my Triple T who gets me on a level that is seemingly far too familiar. He, like Triple T, get me in a way that other people absolutely do not get me. They see ME, all aspects of ME and their spirits and souls match mine in ways that I did not know were even possible. The friendship there is uncomplicated, easy, divine and while filled with very real world ups and downs, for the most part my heart is at ease there. I feel true reciprocity because these two people love themselves, they are aware of themselves, they are unafraid to speak their truth, unafraid to be vulnerable, courageous, and truthful when it is difficult.

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Time Vs. Vibes.

Should I give it a chance? I could potentially have a wonderful time with this man and a wonderful life. I could have a positive and happy experience and I’ll never have to worry. Could be amazing. Or it could be literal hell on earth. Could I settle for safety and hope the passion and desire grows? I could. But will I? This all begs the question, is it worth it for me to come up off of my time by myself, dating and moments of complete peace to get with someone for companionship and all the other alleged perks of relationships? The perks also come with the headaches and I’m not convinced that a relationship will satisfy me more than my own company.

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Icing On Poop

I am present in the moment but present to what feels good right now, and in the aftermath, I’m like oh…wait…no…this doesn’t make sense. Actually, this doesn’t feel right, actually this actually kinda fucking sucks…fuck…I should have said this. It’s not the end of the world and it’s really not a big deal BUT when we decline to speak our truth, everything in our world because trapped in the silence and that causes rigidity, breakdowns and a need for the words to spill over. Honestly, I think it’s worth it to have an honest fucking conversation about ALL the shit that has to be said in order to make a situation authentic.

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